Constellation Wars
by Jessica Wolfe
Summary: Star Wars meets Fushigi Yuugi. Nuff said. Rated for Tasuki's swearing. and Kouji's, and Inuyasha's, and...
1. Casting Call

We blame this one on Arctic Circle's chicken rings and shakes (cashew, carmel, and oreo), and the Life Savers strawberry Creme Savers. Also there was some PMS involved. And lots of carbonation.

Disclaimer: We own very little. But what we have, we're proud of, dammit. So please don't sue us! You wouldn't want our brains anyway...

AngelAsh and Jess: Roll call!

VARIOUS FUSHIGI YUUGI CAST MEMBERS ASSEMBLE IN FRONT OF THE TWO AUTHORS

Tasuki: I wanna be a bandit.

AngelAsh: There are no bandits in Star Wars. (thinks) Wait. I lied. Han Solo was kinda a bandit wasn't he?

Jess: Actually he was a smuggler dear.

AngelAsh: Close enough. (to Tasuki) There you go. You can be a smuggler.

Tasuki: Yay!

Tamahome: I want to be a babe magnet.

Miaka: (mumbling around mouthfuls of doughnuts from the luncheon table) Excuse you...

Tamahome: I mean... I wanna be Miaka's babe magnet... heh...

Miaka: Yay!

Yui: Baka ne.

AngelAsh and Jess: (sweatdropping) You can be Luke Skywalker.

Tamahome: Is he rich?

AngelAsh: Not exactly. He lives on a farm.

Tamahome: Crap. Broke again.

Miaka: What about me?? What about me?? Who am I? I wanna be Tamahome's love interest.

Jess: (snicker) You're gonna be Princess Leia.

Yui: Figures.

Miaka: Hurray for me.

Yui: I hate to ask, but who am I?

AngelAsh: You're Mon Mothma, leader of the Rebel Alliance.

Miaka: She gets to be a leader???!!!

Jess: After putting up with you for however many years, we thought we'd give her a break.

Tasuki: (laughing hysterically on the floor)

Kouji: Worrr arrrrrrrrrrrrr gurrr arararrrrrrrrrr. (translation) Laugh it up fuzzball.

Tasuki: (looking at Kouji who is dressed in a blue Wookiee outfit) Funny you should say that... What the hell happened to you?

KOUJI DIVES ON TOP OF TASUKI AND STARTS GNAWING ON HIS HEAD

AngelAsh: (drily) Chewbacca, I presume.

Jess: Can't seperate best buds.

Tasuki: (wiping Wookiee drool from his head) I wish you'd get him off my head.

Kouji: (swears in Wookiee and flips AngelAsh off)

AngelAsh: Keep it up fuzzball. I'll shave you.

Jess: Can we please just get through roll call before the mayhem starts??!

KOUJI AND ANGELASH GIVE EACH OTHER EVIL LOOKS AND MOVE AWAY FROM EACH OTHER

Jess: Chichiri, Obi-wan Kenobi.

Chichiri: No da!

AngelAsh: Geez, why did we not see that coming.

Jess: (icily calm) Ash, go take your Pamprin.

AngelAsh: (meekly) Hai.

Tasuki: I think someone else needs Pamprin. (looks at Jess)

Jess: (ignoring a certain bandit) Hotohori, you're Biggs Darlighter.

Hotohori: Why do I have to do all the dying?

Jess: Keisukie, you're... um... I'll get back to you. Right now you're tech support.

Keisuke: (whining) I can't operate a soundboard.

Jess: Deal with it! The next person who objects will be shot, drawn and quartered, and their little pieces burned at the stake! ANY MORE OBJECTIONS?!?

DEAD SILENCE

Jess: (calmer) Good.

Tamahome: (whispering) I think I'll take AngelAsh. If you're quiet she won't attack you.

Jess: I heard that.

Tamahome: (gulp)

Jess: Back to roll call. Ewoks: Amiboshi, Suboshi, and the Tamahome siblings.

Ewok-tachi: Yub yub!!

AngelAsh: Like they're going to say anything else...

Suboshi: Ryuuseisui!

AngelAsh: (still PMS-ing, grab's the ryuuseisui and proceeds to fwap Suboshi back and forth)Did someone forget that I'm still ON ONE!?!

Jess: Ahem! Stormtroopers, the whole Kuto army.

STORMTROOPERS MARCH OUT IN BLUE LACQUERED ARMOR THAT HAS A SCALE PATTERN EMBOSSED ON IT

Jess: (looks at script, then at ST's, the back at script) That's NOT in the script!

AngelAsh: It's the only way we could get them all to sign on.

Jess: (throws the script in the air and walks away to cool down)

AngelAsh: (picking up a random page from the script, and laughing hysterically) Tomite, Hikitsu, and Tatara, you're all puppeting Jabba.

Tomite, Hikitsu, Tatara: NANI!?!!!

AngelAsh: It's great. You can have all the frog legs you want.

Tomite, Hikitsu, Tatara: GROSS! Who thought up this menu?

Miaka: Mmm.... frog legs (drools)

Tamahome: Remind me to make sure you brush before I kiss you next time.

DARTH VADER WALKS IN FOLLOWED BY JABBA'S DANCING GIRL OOLA

Darth Vader: (in a high pitched voice) Who the hell put helium in my oxygen tank?!

Oola: Ooh, Darth-sama, you sound so sexy when you speak like a chipmunk.

Darth Vader: (still high pitched) Don't start with me woman. I want to know who did this and I want to know right now!

OFFSTAGE, EWOKS, LED BY SUBOSHI, SNICKER AND RUN FOR COVER

Jess: (holds head and tries to repress headache) And I was just getting ready to come back.

AngelAsh: Due to the hyjinx going on, we'll be announcing the parts as they come later. For now... On with the show!


	2. A New Parody part one

**A NEW PARODY** (part one)

Words begin to float across the star studded screen.

It is a time of civil unrest in the GALACTIC EMPIRE. Princess Leia has eaten all the doughnuts, Darth Vader is high on helium, and the STORMTROOPERS are all on strike (equal pay for equal labor). And in this parody, these factors all combine to create... WAR. The only hope for the galaxy rests on the shoulders of a young boy, one, LUKE SKYWALKER.

With his secret doughnut recipe, stolen from the Dunken Doughnuts man, a new tank of oxygen, and his expert skills at negotiating wages, can he save the day?

Tasuki: I doubt it...

Kouji: Warrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, gurrr petwey.

Tasuki: Will you stop gargling!? Your breath is minty fresh already.

Authors: (bap the two bandits on the head and throw them in the closet for later use) We digress... still.....

Back to the words scrolling up the screen.

We join our story already in progress... This has been a test, of the Fushigi Yuugi broadcast system.

Authors: Keisuke! Knock it off!!

Blank Screen

Scene One

**SCENE OPENS ON TATOOINE. LUKE SKYWALKER STANDS LOOKING UP AT THE TWO SUNS, WAVES OF DUST ROLLING AT HIS FEET. HE SADLY REALIZES THAT HE'LL NEVER GET OFF THIS DAMN PLANET**.

Tamahome: (looking more comatose than upset) 500 yen, carry the one...

Uncle Owen a.k.a. Tokaki: You're still counting the money you made off that E-bay transaction?

Tamahome: Someday I'll buy me a landspeeder, pick up a chick, and get off this dustball.

Tokaki: Whatever, obake-chan, just go find the Jawas. They're late. Oh, and if there are any cute one's, bring 'em back to party!

Tamahome: (sweatdropping) That's just wrong... I'm leaving now.

Tokaki: Oh, like you never thought of it!

Tamahome: (running for the hills) I never did!!

Aunt Beru a.k.a. Subaru: (hand's Tamahome the keys to the landspeeder) He's being perverted again isn't he?

Tamahome: (sobbing) Yeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss...

Subaru: Well, get going honey. (whispering) and no female droids.

Tamahome: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight... I'll just be going now

**LUKE SIDESTEPS HIS WAY TO THE LANDSPEEDER BEFORE TEARING BUTT OUT OF THERE. LUKE MEETS THE JAWAS HALF WAY TO HIS HOUSE, THEIR SANDCRAWLER IS BROKEN. R2-D2 AND C-3PO ARE STANDING NEARBY ARGUING.**

Mitsukake a.k.a. R2-D2: (wearing a large garbage can with metal strapped to his shins and arms) For the last time, it's NOT my fault that it broke down.

**ANGRY DINK DINKS (who are on loan from Mel Brooks "Spaceballs") SHAKE THEIR FISTS AT THE OVERGROWN GARBAGE CAN.**

Mitsukake: You didn't say anything about that button.

Chiriko a.k.a. C-3PO: (sporting soup cans around his arms and legs, and a large family sized fruit cocktail can around his chest, all spray painted gold) You don't have dialogue. You speak in whistles and beeps.

Mitsukake: (sweatdropping) Weet, toot, dobip, da.

Chiriko: (laughing hysterically) That is so funny.

Mitsukake: Do you even know what I said?

Chiriko: No. But now I can make up your dialogue and no one will know the difference.

Mitsukake: (dark scowl) This is such bad casting.

Authors: (smiling genki-ly) Thanks!! Moving on.

Tamahome: (snoring in the landspeeder): ...

Jess: Ash, get the stick.

AngelAsh: (taping chopsticks together) Almost done.

**AUTHORS POKE LUKE IN ORDER TO WAKE HIM UP. "ONI" FLARES ON LUKE'S FOREHEAD AND HE PROMPTLY CHOPS THE STICK INTO TINY BITS.**

Authors: Kawai........

Jess: Glad we were ten feet away.

AngelAsh: Experience is a great teacher. (rubs her bruised arm)

Tamahome: (looking at Dink Dinks with trepidation) What that hell are those supposed to be?

AngelAsh: Don't provoke them. They WILL eat you. Lunch wasn't provided for in their contract and they're cranky.

Tamahome: (looking for some way to roll up the window)

AngelAsh: It's a convertible, dear. They'll get you one way or the other.

Dink Dinks: (rubbing hands together and smiling evily) Dink diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink...

Tamahome: (to 3PO and R2) Get in! Get in! We're leaving.

**THE DROIDS DIVE INTO THE LANDSPEEDER, R2'S FEET FLAILING AROUND AS HE STRUGGLES TO GET HIS LEGS INTO THE SPEEDER. LUKE AND THE DROIDS RETURN TO THE FARM TO FIND IT SOLD.**

Chiriko: They bought the farm? (Tears form in his innocent eyes)

Tamahome: No, baka. They sold the farm, not bought it...

Tokaki: (walking out with suitcases) Some guy in black armor with a breathing problem just bought the place.

Subaru: (odd look on her face) He sounded a lot like a hamster when he spoke.

**EVERYONE INCLUDING AUTHORS GLARE AT DARTH VADER**

Jess: That SO isn't in the script.

Darth: (still sounding like a hamster) I have my own plans... Is that my voice? Is that MY voice?! Damn it Suboshi, I told you to knock that off.

Suboshi: (rolling on the ground laughing, about to die from apoplexy and lack of air)

Amiboshi: (sweatdropping) You never were subtle were your ototou?

Darth: I'll deal with you later. (ahem) I have my own plans for galactic domination. Buy everyone out, and put up timeshares. And then, I'll only rent to those people I like.

Authors: Can we please get back on track?

Chiriko: We lost R2.

Tamahome: How did we lose him, we just had him?!!

Tokaki: That and the fact that he's six foot whatever. I'm so ashamed of you Luke!

Tamahome: Whatever. Shouldn't you be on vacation someplace, like Hoth. I hear the Wampa's are hibernating this time of the year.

Tokaki: Ooh! Someone's got an attitude. (motions to Subaru) Come on dear. Let's leave him to his trash can hunt.

**OWEN AND BERU DISAPPEAR INTO THE TWIN SUNSET AS LUKE AND 3PO JUMP INTO THE LANDSPEEDER AND HEAD FOR THE DESERT. UNBEKNOWNST TO THEM, THE SAND PEOPLE ARE WATCHING CLOSLEY**

Sandperson #1 a.k.a. the Flaming Painted Wonder a.k.a. Tomo: Here he comes. That pretty little farmboy who keeps trespassing on our territory.

Sandperson #2 a.k.a. Keisuke: (freaking out) Kami-sama, why did you stick me with HIM?! (glares at the authors) You had to make me a random part filler-in didn't you.

Authors: It's your fault for messing with the opening titles!

Keisuke: (striking a pose) But you do have to admit it was briliant.

Authors: We never admit anything!

Tamahome: My Miaka radar! It's going off!

Authors: Not yet!

Tamahome: But I have the strangest feeling that Darth has her...

Jess: Quick, jam his radar.

AngelAsh: (throws grape jelly on Tamahome) Otay Panky!

Jess: (sweatdropping) I didn't mean that literally.

**TOMO WALKS OVER TO TAMAHOME AND STARTS LICKING JAM OFF HIM**

Tamahome: Where the hell is Obi-wan! This counts as an attack!!!

**OBI-WAN WALKS IN DRAGGING R2-D2 BEHIND HIM**

Obi-wan a.k.a. Chichiri: Did someone call, no da?

Tamahome: (trying to get Tomo off him) Do something about this!

Chichiri: Tomo-kun, your mascara is running, no da.

Tomo: (screams in horror as he runs off camera to fix his make up)

Tamahome: I thought I was a goner. That bordered on major hentai.

Chichiri: Wanna watch a video, no da?

Tamahome: Video? Nani?

Mitsukake: (pulls out a laptop supplied by Keisuke and begins to fiddle with it)

Keisuke: Just press enter.

Authors: Keisuke! Your scene is over! LEAVE!!

Keisuke: (meekly) Hai...

**R2 GETS HIS (ahem) PROJECTOR WORKING, AND EVERYONE CROWDS AROUND TO WATCH.**

Tamahome: I could sell that on E-bay.

Everyone: Hush!

**THE FACE OF PRINCESS LEIA APPEARS ON THE SCREEN. SHE IS ASLEEP. KEISUKE'S FOOT APPEARS AND KICKS LEIA INTO WAKEFULNESS.**

Princess Leia a.k.a. Miaka: Oh. Ahem. General Kenobi. Years ago you served me as a celestial warrior. Now Darth Vader is threatening to take over all the doughnut shops in the galaxy and turn them into time shares. Isn't that tragic?

Chichiri: Hai, no da.

Keisuke: (off screen) Miaka, you're digressing.

Miaka: Oh, right. So how bout you come rescue me and bring a hot man with you. Hi there Tamahome.

Tamahome: (waving back at the screen)

Chiriko: She can't see you, baka.

Tamahome: (whaps 3PO in the back of his head) Shut up smarty pants.

**3PO'S CHARACTER PROMPTLY DISAPPEARS AND EVERYONE GROANS.**

Tamahome: Well, we won't be getting anything intelligent out of him for a while.

Chichiri: Let's just head to Mos Eisely, no da.

**THEY GET IN THE LANDSPEEDER AND HEAD FOR THE HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY**

**To Be Continued (dun dun dun)**

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Teaser Trailer:

Mos Eisely. Our heros meet a bandit and his Wookie. Can they escape the blue scaled Stormtroopers? Only the Schwarts knows.

Tasuki: The who?

Authors: We couldn't get Lucas to let us use the Force so we borrowed the Schwarts from Mel again. He's so generous!

Kouji: I'm out of mouthwash here.

AngelAsh: (sarcasm) Tragedy...

Kouji: (dip kisses AngelAsh)

AngelAsh: Get this man some mouth wash! Eew! Wookie breath.

Kouji: (nodding with satisfaction) I knew that would do the trick.


	3. A New Parody part two

Today's chapter is brought to you by the letter's, "P," "Q", and "X" and by the number... 59 billion. We are also indebted to Lay's potato chips, (Again! But it's 'Stax' this time, not just a bag of them!) Starbursts and Skittles left over from the anime party, and more ice water than you can shake a water stick at!

AngelAsh: Chapter....whatever...scene.....something... OH! Two!!!!!

Jess: (shaking her head in disgust) AngelAsh, when are you going to get it together?

AngelAsh: (confused look on face) Get what together?

Jess: (scowling) Never mind....

**A NEW PARODY** (part two)

Scene Two

**SCENE OPENS ON LUKE, OBI-WAN, AND THE DROIDS AS THEY ARE ATTEMPTING TO ENTER MOS EISELY. THEY ARE STOPPED BY STORMTROOPERS WHO ARE LOOKING FOR TWO DROIDS**

Stormtrooper #1: We need to check the memory banks of your droids.

Tamahome: Why?

Stormtrooper #2: 'Cause someone stole the secret doughnut recipe that Lord Vader had stolen from the Dunken Doughnuts man...

Stormtrooper #1: (whapping his companion on the head) Shut up! They don't need to know all that.

Tamahome: (sweatdropping) ...

Chichiri: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Stormtrooper #2: (pulls out a photo of R2 and 3PO. Looks at the photo, and then at the droids, and then back to the photo) They look remarkably like the droids we're looking for.

Chichiri: (pointing behind the stormtroopers) Is that Oola, Jabba's dancing girl?!

Stormtroopers: Where?!!

Chichiri: (puts an illusion on R2 and 3PO so they look like Plum and Chii from Chobits)

Stormtroopers: We didn't see Oola... (spot R2 and 3PO) Oooooohhh, hey, you're kinda cute.

Chiriko as Chii: Eek! I'm too young for this!

Mitsukake as Plum: Why am I always the short one!

Tamahome: You don't talk!

Mitsukake: Du weep, wa bip, da oop!!

Tamahome: Hey! Watch your language!

Chichiri: We have young readers, no da!

Stormtrooper #1: My ears are burning...

Stormtrooper #2: That was SO uncalled for. (walks away in disgust)

Stormtrooper #1: (yelling to Chiriko as he follows Stormtrooper #2) Call me!

Chiriko: (shuddering) ...

Tamahome: (to Obi-wan) That was the Schwartz?

Chichiri: No, no da. That was hormones, and bad language.

Tamahome: (facefaults into the steering wheel)

**_Commercial Break_**__

_Have you always wanted to be a Jedi Knight? Well now you can! With the Jedi Knight bath kit. Comes with lightsaber shaped soap, wash cloth with your favorite character's face on it, and a Jedi cloak bath towel. Also comes in Sith, and Princess Leia. _

_Keisuke, with the Jedi cloak tied securely around his neck, leaps onto the screen with his lightsaber soap in hand. He begins a mock battle with the Flaming Painted Wonder, who is wearing the Sith bath set. Both strike a pose._

_Tomo: (gleefully) Loser has to take his cloak off._

_Keisuke: Eew! That tears it! I quit!_

**AUTHORS WALK IN WITH TAIITSU-KUN. TAIITSU-KUN SENDS TOMO INTO ORBIT WITH VARIOUS NYAN-NYANS AND THE AUTHORS KNOCK KEISUKE OVER THE HEAD AND PUT HIM IN THE CLOSET FOR LATER.**

_Authors: (bowing) Gomen nasai minna-san!_

_This commercial was brought to you by Taco Time's Bavarian créme empanadas, and stuffed mexi nuggets. _

Tasuki: Well that was entertaining... (turns to Kouji. He screams and falls over in terror)

Kouji: (sporting a distorted Miaka face on a wash cloth) Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggg hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. (trans: hysterical Wookiee laugh)

Tasuki: (recovering) That ain't funny!! (Walks off in a huff while Kouji follows, poking him with the cinnamon-roll shaped soap)

**_Back to the Show_**__

**LUKE AND OBI-WAN WALK INTO THE CANTEENA LOOKING FOR A PILOT TO TAKE THEM TO PRINCESS LEIA. AMIBOSHI IS PLAYING WITH THE NYAN-NYAN BAND (filling in for the sick gal) VARIOUS KUTO AND KONAN SOLDIERS ARE FILLING IN FOR THE ALIENS**

Tamahome: Freaky.

Chichiri: Hai, na no da.

**SPOTTING HAN SOLO AND CHEWBACCA IN A CORNER, LUKE AND OBI-WAN BYPASS ALL THE ALIENS AND HEAD STRAIGHT FOR THE STRANGE PAIR (who, by the way, are trying to see who can open the most Starbursts with only their tongues)**

Kouji: (pulls out another Starburst paper and holds it up triumphantly) Guraaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Tasuki: (spitting out his Starburst, which gets stuck in Kouji's fur) Damn! It's not fair! You've got fangs.

Kouji: (trying to pull the candy out of his fur and glaring at Tasuki) Gwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr hurrrr mwar mwar ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggrrrfffffffft! (trans: You have fangs too baka! There goes my deposit on this costume. You own me money pal!)

Tasuki: (spotting Tama and Chichiri) Hi! Business?

Tamahome: Is that why they call him Chewie?

Kouji: (going to kill Tamahome, but is restrained by Tasuki)

Tasuki: No! No! They're paying customers. You can get your deposit money back. Bad Wookiee. Go fire up the boat.

Kouji: (still miffed, but not trying to kill Tama anymore) Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaakkk aaaaaaaaaaffffffffffffffff hurrrrr. (trans: A'ight)

Tasuki: What can I do fer ya gents.

Chichiri: We need your ship, no da.

Tasuki: (wicked fanged grin) Okay, but it's gonna cost ya.

Tamahome: (gently pushing Chichiri aside and cracking his knuckles) Ah, negotiations. This is my area of expertise.

Tasuki: (gulp) Ah shit.

**A FEW MINUTES LATER NEGOTIATIONS HAVE ENDED. OBI-WAN AND LUKE LEAVE SMILING WHILE HAN STARES AT THE PACKET OF 'GREEN GUM' CHEWING GUM**

Tasuki: (dejectedly) Man, he's good.

**BEFORE HAN SOLO CAN GET UP A RODIAN, GREEDO BY NAME, SITS DOWN AND POINTS A GUN AT HAN**

Greedo a.k.a. Keisuke: I'm gonna get shot aren't I?

Tasuki: (shrugs and pulls out his blaster) It doesn't hurt that much...

Keisuke: Then let me shoot you! (Takes a pot shot and misses)

Tasuki: Now I don't look like a heartless bastard when I shoot you.

Keisuke: (sobbing) Fine! Just do it! Oh, but before that, Jabba wants his money.

**HAN TRIES TO SHOOT GREEDO, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS. GREEDO GRABS HIS CHEST AND FALLS OVER**

Keisuke: (mumbling to himself) Good thing I'm the special effects guy. (winks)

Tasuki: Damn it! I wanted to kill something.

Keisuke: (sitting up) I don't think Miaka would approve of you killing her older brother. Besides, in the Special Edition version, I'll make it look really graphic.

Tasuki: Well, that's okay then...

Tamahome: Can we get a move on please! My Miaka radar is giving me a major migraine.

Tasuki: Keep your Jedi pants on.

Flaming Painted Wonder: (popping out from a corner of the set) He took his pants off?!?

Tamahome: That tears it! We are leaving NOW! (grabs Chichiri and storms out the door)

**UPON ENTERING THE HANGER WHERE THE MILLENNIUM FALCON IS KEPT, LUKE AND OBI-WON STOP DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS AND STARE IN COMPLETE HORROR AT WHAT THEY SEE**

Chichiri: Is that duct tape, no da?

Tamahome: Are you telling me that the entire ship is made out of DUCT-TAPE?!?

Tasuki: (coming up from behind) What? She's the fastest ship in the galaxy. She may not look like a lot, but she will get you where your going.

Tamahome and Chichiri: ....Rrrriiigghtttt..... 'no da!'

Tasuki: Ye' otta feel right at home, vibes man! (slapping Chichiri on the back) This is held together by the Force!

Tamahome: The force of what?

Kouji: (coming up to stand beside them wearing spectacles and carrying a mini felt board with little felt articles. Sets board down in front of them all and begins to explain) Grrr or or, row-ggeeeaaahhhhh! Weeehhhh grrrrr rrrrrrroooowwweeeegaaahhhhh. Ccccaaaahhhh grrrr rowwwow gggggggggggg -chew!-

Everyone: Bless you!

Kouji: (nods his thanks and continues) grrr raaaa raaaow gnaaahhhh. (trans: Duct tape- it has a dark side and a light side... like the Force! It has the power to bind the universe, and ships like the Millennium Falcon, together -sneeze- thus, while you are on this ship, the Force will be with you. End translation)

Tamahome: (wiping tears from his eyes) That was beautiful. Can we go now? (grabs Chichiri and drags him towards the ship)

Chichiri: Why am I always being dragged, no daaaaaaaaaa......

Tasuki: (to Kouji) Where did you find those nifty props?

Kouji: ( hooking thumbs under his armpits with pride) Rrroow-grr. (Trans: Made them.)

**OUR HEROS BORED THE SHIP AND FIND 3-PO AND R2 ALREADY INSIDE, DUCT TAPED TO THE WALLS AND LOOKING RATHER MIFFED**

Chichiri: Why are you duct taped to the wall, no da?

Tasuki: (coming in from behind and unrolling a length of duct tape) Seat belts! (moves forward to attempt taping Chichiri to the wall and suddenly finds himself wrapped from head to toe in the stuff)

Chichiri: Nice try, fat chance, no da.(drops empty roll of tape)

Kouji: (moves forward to help Tasuki get loose and gripping an edge, yanks hard. A ripping sound ensues and Tasuki lets out a scream of pain as the hair from his back, arms and legs is ripped off)

Tamahome: Yeouch! That had to hurt! Wasn't that a bit harsh, master Jedi?

Chichiri: (taking off his mask partially and giving them a look) Better him than me, no da.

Authors: Holy cow! That was painful to watch.

Jess: ...and not in the script....

AngelAsh: And this shocks you...why?

Jess: (glaring at Ash) Don't push me. I'm close to the edge, and that duct tape is looking tempting right now....

AngelAsh: (sweat dropping) Sheesh! We need to find you a make out partner!

Tasuki: (crawling over to authors) Bleeding here! I could use a bandage if it ain't ASKIN' TO MUCH!!!

Jess: (exasperated) you ARE the one who started it Fang Boy.

AngelAsh: Maybe we should just continue on.......

**THE MILLENNIUM FALCON TAKES OFF IN A MAGNIFICENT BURST OF ROCKET POWER, MOSTLY FUELED WITH GATOR-AID AND REFRIED BEANS (EWW! WHAT A NASTY MIX!) AND HEADS FOR THE STARS ABOVE**


	4. A New Parody Sepcial

Constellation Wars Special Feature: Behind the Otaku

With you hosts; Jessica Wolfe and AngelAsh

Ever wanted to see what goes on behind the scenes of Fushigi Yuugi, Constellation Wars? Well tough beans! You get to see it anyway. We, your intrepid authors, have taken a camera behind the scenes to show you what the cast does when they're not acting...

CAMERA PANS ACROSS A BUSTLING TRAILER LOT. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LOT A HEADED GAME OF 'GO FISH' IS IN PROGRESS.

Chichiri: Tasuki, it's your turn, no da.

Tasuki: (looking a little glazed) We come in peace, (whispers to Kouji) shoot to kill, shoot to kill...

Kouji: Warwar wer wer waga ug HURANG! (trans: We're not Trekkin anymore. We're fishin'. Now FISH!)

Tasuki: A'right, a'right. No need to yell. (Mumbling) Gimme all yer fish.

Chichiri: That's not how you play, no da. Get with the program, no da.

Tasuki: (throwing cards onto the table) We've been playin this friggin game for hours now. Can't we do somthin else?

Tamahome: (half asleep) I'll see your yen and raise you two more... (snore)

Keikuse: We were betting?! I'm losing!!

Chichiri: (tosses cards on the table) Forget it, no da.

THE CAMERA PANS OVER TO THE LUNCHEON TABLE WHERE A SCAT SESSION IS IN PROGRESS.

Miaka: (singing in an annoying, high-pitched voice) There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow. There's Klingons on the starboard bow, scrape 'em off Jim.

Keisuke: (slides in on his knees (authors wince: that's gotta hurt) singing in Scottish accent): Yeh canna chenge theh lows o' fizz-icks (gets booted into the stratosphere with various Nyan Nyans)

Mitsukake: (monotone, looking board): It's worse than that, he's dead Jim, dead Jim, dead Jim. It's worse than that, he's dead Jim, dead Jim, DEAD!

Authors: (swirly eyed) Finally, some emotion.

Chiriko: (wailing) It's life Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it. It's life Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain.

Tasuki: (barely audible from the card table where he has faceplanted) Scotty, beam me up.

Keisuke: (walking in with pretty stars orbiting his head from his landing) Yeh canna ghenge theh oxy n' moron ye Jimmy.

Mitsukake: (dazed and confzzled) It's worse than that, it's physics Jim.

Hotohori, Nakago, and Eiken (form a cancan line and, in deep voices, sing): Star Trekking across the universe.

Nyan Nyans: (in another cancan line in front of the guys) On the starship Enterprise, under Captain Kirk, only going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse.

Taiitsu-kun: (slams the door to her trailer open, scaring the life out of everybody) WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP, YOU CELESTIAL IDIOTS! I'M TRYING TO STUDY MY LINES!

CAMERA FALLS TO THE FLOOR. ONLY SHOTS OF VARIOUS FEET CAN BE SEEN RUNNING IN ALL DIRECTIONS. BREAKS TO STATIC AND THEN GOES BLACK.

Announcer: (in a dry British accent) That is all for our special this week. Join us next week for out next installment of Constellation Wars: Behind the Otaku.


	5. A New Parody part three

This episode brought to you by AngelAsh, who made Jess skip school to hang out. And by Twix and Poppycock Just the Nuts fancy cashews.

Jess: (wiggling fingers to get blood back) That was a freakin long name.

AngelAsh: I didn't name 'em. I just like eatin' 'em.

Tasuki: Can we get back to the show? By the way; the old hag's after you to get that tape back.

AngelAsh: Hag?

Jess: Taiitsu-kun, no da?

Chichiri: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (Takes Jess into his arms and dips her) My soul mate, no da.

Jess: (sighs happily) Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

AngelAsh and Tasuki: (sweatdrop)

Tasuki: He's easily won over.

Jess: (waves at AngelAsh) Chichiri and I have to go... have a... conference. Yeah, conference... that's it... In the small office.

AngelAsh: You mean the closet where we stuff our bishounen for later?

Jess: Yeah! That's the one. Ja!

AngelAsh: (sweatdrop) But... I don't know Fushigi Yuugi that well.

Jess: (from off screen as Chichiri drags her to the closet) You'll be fine...................

AngelAsh: (sobbing) Inuyasha!

Kouji: (wanders over to Ash and gives her a Wookiee hug) Worrrrrrrrrrrwar gurrrthph.

AngelAsh: (wiping Wookiee spit from her face) Thanks Kouji. It'll get better.

Inuyasha: AngelAsh! You call– (to Kouji) Hey! Get your paws off her!

Kouji: (growling) Wurg hurg narg lurg.

Inuyasha: I don't speak Wookiee you freak!

Happy little subtitles appear for Inuyasha to read: "You called her 'hentai' last time, and now you want her back?"

Inuyasha: Thanks Keisuke!

Keisuke: (from off camera) No prob!

Inuyasha: (grabbing Ash away from Kouji) My author! No touchie!

Tasuki: (diving onto Kouji before he can attack the hanyou) Alright! Alright! Back to the story! Kouji get your ass to the ship now! We've to two more chapters to do and then we can move on to Empire.

Kouji: (snarls and growls as he stomps off to the Millennium Falcon)

Inuyasha: What did he say?

AngelAsh: (ears burning) You don't wanna know...

Tamahome: Miaka radar! We gotta go! (Bangs head on nearest metal object)

Tasuki: Whoa. We'd better go before Obake-chan has an aneurysm.

**A New Parody** (part three)

**WE JOIN THE STORY AS THE MILLENNIUM FALCON FLIES TOWARD THE PLANET OF ALDERAAN. TO THEIR HORROR, IT'S BEEN TURNED INTO A GATED COMMUNITY**

Tasuki: Damn. That Vader person sure moves fast.

Tamahome: (nursing his head) I wonder who his realtor is.

Seiryuu: (appears in a sudden flash of blue light and hands Tamahome a card) Seiryuu-seikun, realtor extrodinare. Call me if you want to invade anything from your next door neighbor to a small star system.

Tamahome: (stunned into silence) ...

Tasuki: Get the hell off my ship! I'm telling Suzaku.

Seiryuu: (shoots the bandit a pissy look) You don't want to mess with me. (Disappears in another blue flash)

Tamahome: Where's Obi-wan? Doesn't he usually sense these kinds of things?

Tasuki: (uncomfortably) He's... uh... conversing with the force.

Tamahome: The force of what?

Tasuki: I ain't teaching you about the birds and bees!

Tamahome: He's with nature? I thought you said he was with the force.

Tasuki: Ah fer cryin out loud! Just drop it, 'kay?

Tamahome: (dejectedly) Hai...

Tasuki: We'll just make a quick pit stop at the little moon over there...

Chichiri: (face covered in lipstick) That's no moon, no da. It's a space station.

Everyone: (faceplants)

Tasuki: Where the hell did you come from?

Tamahome: You're back Obi-wan. Have you finished with the birds and the bees?

Chichiri: (whacks Tamahome on the back of the head) Show some respect, no da!

Tasuki and Kouji: (snickering in the front of the ship)

Tamahome: (wailing) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! What'd I say??

Tasuki: (hurrying to fill the silence before he gets tattled on) Er, what'd ya mean that's not a moon?

Chichiri: Just shut and land the ship, no da.

**THE MILLENNUIM FLACON ALONG WITH ALL IT'S PASSENGERS, GETS PULLED, ER LANDED, IN THE MAIN DOCKING BAY OF THE DEATH STAR. WHILE HAN AND CHEWIE STRUGGLE TO DE-TAPE THE DROIDS FROM THE WALL, OBI-WAN AND LUKE READ A SMALL SIGN ON THE GUARD ROOM DOOR.**

Chichiri: (reading) Out to lunch. Please refrain from invading until we return. Delivery hours: 12 p.m. to 2 p.m. Sincerely, the Stormtroopers.

Tamahome: (sweatdrop) Not too bright, ne?

Tasuki: (reads the sign and sweatdrops) Shall we go in?

Kouji: Harrrg urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrng wer wer thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeep. (Trans: We're here to deliver an ass whoopin and it's 1:15. We're within the time limit)

Tasuki: It says 'out to lunch'. There's no one to whoop.

**HAN AND CHEWIE ENGAGE IN A FIST FIGHT WHILE OBI-WAN, LUKE, AND THE DROIDS ENTER THE GUARD ROOM. OBI-WAN PRESSES A FEW BUTTONS ON THE COMPUTER AND A MAP APPEARS.**

Tamahome: (reading the map) You are here. Princess here. Thing to blow up here. Guards to avoid here. Trash compactor here. Bathrooms and restaurants are located on every level for your convenience. Geez, they sure are helpful.

Chichiri: R2, please make a copy of this map, no da.

Mitsukake: (takes out a quill and scroll and starts sketching)

Chiriko: I can just memorize it, you know. I am fluent in over fifty thousand–

Mitsukake: Save it kid. No one cares.

Chiriko: (sobs)

Chichiri: (to Tamahome, Tasuki, and Kouji, the latter two have stopped fighting) You go get the princess, no da. I'll blow up the tractor beam.

Tasuki: (wiping blood off his split lip) What's a tractor beam, and why do you have to blow it up? And why the hell do you get to blow things up?!

Chichiri: No time to explain, no da. I feel a disturbance in the Force, no da.

Tamahome: (not listening, and already running off to save Miaka) MIAKA! I'M COMING!

Tasuki: Her name's Leia you ass, now get back here. (Rolls eyes when Tama doesn't stop and turns to Kouji) We'd better go keep him out of trouble.

Kouji: Hur. (Trans: Yup. He's bound to get himself into trouble if we don't keep an eye on him. Besides that, they'll probably just sit there suckin face while we're left to fight the Stormtroopers, guns a blazin, smoke filling the air... No makeout session for us...)

Tasuki: (giving Kouji a strange look) You said all that?

Kouji: (shakes his head no)

AngelAsh: (momentairly stops rubbing Inuyasha's ears) Keiksuke you'd better quit that! You're not there to add on.

Jess: (typing madly at the subtitle keyboard) I tied Keisuke up. It's all me! Bwahahaha!

Inuyasha: (throwing Ash a frightened look) Remind me never to interrupt her makeout sessions, ne?

AngelAsh: Yeah! She gets vindictive. (Yelling to Jess) You are not helping things progress!

Jess: Bite me!

Chichiri: (grinning wickedly) That's my job, no da.

Everyone: (facefaults)

AngelAsh and Inuyasha: TMI (trans: too much information)

**THE SCENE CHANGES TO DARTH VADER AND PRINCESS LEIA. THE DARK LORD HAS THE HAPLESS PRINCESS TIED UP AND WATCHING TIME SHARE INFOMERCIALS 24/7.**

Miaka: Now can I get the one with the Jetta tub, but not the atrium, or is it a non-negotiable package?

Vader: (trying not to strangle the princess) For the last time... Just the ones you see. We don't do customization.

Miaka: I really wish you could do the carpeting the color of Tamahome's eyes.

Vader: (throwing brochures on the ground and reaching for his lightsaber) That tears it....

**VARIOUS STORMTROOPERS RESTRAIN THE DARK LORD BEFORE HE DOES SOMETHING HE'LL REGRET**

Vader: I wish those smugglers would get here and take her off my hands...

Miaka: Is lunch served yet? The brochure said there'd be a lunch.

Vader: (throws hands up in the air) Gah! (and stomps out)

**MEANWHILE, LUKE IS STILL RUNNING LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL IN THE DIRECTION THAT HIS MIAKA RADAR IS TELLING HIM THAT THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE LIES. HAN AND CHEWBACCA ARE HARD PRESSED TO KEEP UP WITH LUKE** (Jess wonders what happened to Tasuki's seishi speed).

Tasuki: Damnit! Slow down Tama... er, Luke! Yer gonna run into trouble if you don't calm down.

**HAN'S PROPHETIC WORDS COME TRUE AS AROUND THE NEXT CORNER THEY THREESOME RUNS INTO A TROUPE OF STORMTROOPERS**

Tasuki: Ah, shit. I hate it when I'm right.

**THE TRIO PULL OUT THEIR WEAPONS AND BEGIN TO FIRE INTO THE GROUP OF STORMTROOPERS**

Tasuki: (SD and ready to bite things) There's nothing happening!

Keisuke: (from off camera) I'll put the blaster bolts in in editing. Just fake it for now.

Tasuki: How do we know who we hit?!

Keisuke: Start firing again.

Tasuki: (with a why-the-hell-not look on his face) Why the hell not?

Keisuke: Bang! Bang! (as Tasuki fires)

**TWO STORMTROOPERS FLY OFF THEIR FEET AND 'DIE'**

Tasuki: (looking at his blaster) Cool!

Tamahome: (sarcastically) Bang, bang? You have got to be kidding me. (Oni flares on Tama's forehead and he goes diving into the group of Stormtroopers, sending the armored men flying in every direction with kicks and punches)

**BEFORE OUR HEROS CAN PROGRESS IN THEIR JOURNEY, TWO STORMTROOPERS CARRY A TRUSSED LEIA AND DROP HER AT THE TRIO'S FEET.**

Stormtrooper #1: Take her. She's driving us bonkers and the cook says there's no more food.

Miaka: (looking indignantly) I didn't eat everything! (burp) They had leeks. I left the leeks.

Stormtrooper #2: (ripping helmet off to reveal Kyou Sohma) Leeks! Damn! I quit now!

Tasuki: Pissy little neko, ne?

Kyou: (storms off muttering as he throws Stormtrooper armor left and right)

Kouji: Werrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr harg iirg ungh. (trans: Well that was anticlimactic.)

Tasuki: Now we just have to get back to the ship.

Tamahome: I wonder where Obi-wan is.

Miaka: (perking up) Onigiri?

Tamahome: No! Obi-wan.

Inuyasha: (off camera giving Ash a back rub) I'm so glad she's not in my series...

**SCENE PANS TO OBI-WAN WHO IS IN THE CONTROL ROOM, MAKING OUT WITH JESS**

AngelAsh: JESS!!!!!!

Jess: (covering her ears) Not so loud. (gives a startled look to Ash) Oh! Yes. Your mike is working fine. (sneaks off camera, but not before giving Chichiri a parting kiss)

AngelAsh: (to Inuyasha) And you called me hentai...

**CAMERA PANS BACK TO THE PEOPLE, NOW ON BOARD THE MILLENNIUM FALCON. SHOCK AND DISGUST REGISTER ON THEIR FACES (EXCEPT FOR LUKE AND LEIA WHO ARE... WELL WE WON'T GO THERE...)**

Tasuki: Twincest. Eew!

Tamahome: Eh?

Tasuki: Oh nothing. Go back to what you were doing.

Chichiri: (staggers onto the ship, punch drunk with love) We can go now, no da.

Tasuki: Ain't you supposed to be dead?

Chichiri: Jess locked Vader in the closet so I could get away, no da.

AngelAsh: (indignant) Jess! Stop playing with the script. You're worse than Keisuke!

Jess: No one is knocking off my man. (evil glare)

AngelAsh: Fine! You get to rewrite the scripts for the second and third movies.

Jess: (happily) Hai!

AngelAsh: AND, you can tell Stephen why his movies are so messed up.

Jess: Creative liscense... ?

AngelAsh: (throwing hands up in the air) I give up. Just finish the chapter already.

**THE MILLENNIUM FALCON GRACEFULLY SOARS AWAY TOWARD THE PLANET YAVIN WITH THE DEATH STAR IN HOT PURSUIT WITH VADER'S CURSES ECHOING THROUGH THE HALLS OF THE BATTLE STATION.**

For all those of you who review, you will receive a lifetime supply of Pez with Constellation Wars dispensers. Note: the Wookiee will be blue.


	6. A New Parody part four

This episode brought to you by Starbursts, Twix, 3 Musketeers (the Halloween loot), and Cherry 7Up, Runts, and a lot of creative... aw nevermind.

Tasuki: Did you read ahead in the script to Empire?

Kouji: Wur. (Trans: hai.)

Tasuki: Did you see my kissing scene with Leia?

Kouji: Wur wur. (Trans: hai hai.)

Tasuki: Man I am all over that. Her socks are gonna fly off. She won't be able to see straight. She'll be sayin "Tama-who?"

Kouji: (skeptically) War werr. (Trans: whatever.)

Tasuki: (indignantly) You don't believe me! (promptly dips Kouji and gives him a passionate wet one)

Authors: EWWWWW! None of that!

Tasuki: (releases Kouji and steps back) Well?

Kouji: (looking googly-eyed) Rrarrarooooo? (Trans: Tama-who?)

Authors: (impressed) Whoa. He wasn't kidding.

Tasuki: (shit-grins and struts off) I told ya.

Ash: That was wrong on so many levels. (shudders)

Jess: (looking at Kouji who is crouched in the corner sobbing) Yeah. I think Kouji is scarred for life too...

Ash: (patting Kouji on the head) It's otay. This too shall pass.

Kouji: (grabbing Ash and pulling her into a passionate kiss)

Inuyasha: (from off camera) HEY! What did I tell you about MY AUTHOR!

Kouji: (still kissing Ash, gives Inuyasha the finger)

Inuyasha: Why you...!

**Irate hanyou dives on Kouji and they begin to brawl, forgetting that Ash is still sandwiched between them.**

Ash: Ow! Ooch! Gacht! Jess! Oof! You'd better... ung... take... ack... over!

Jess: (wincing as she watches her friend get pummeled in the cloud of dust and fur) No prob Bob.

Chichiri: (coming up behind Jess) That looks painful, no da.

Jess: Hai, no da. But just wait until she starts wailing on them...

**Both shudder and turn to the camera**.

Chichiri and Jess: On with the show.

* * *

**A New Parody **(part four) 

**THE MILLENNIUM FALCON SOARS THROUGH THE VASTNESS OF SPACE ON ITS WAY TO THE PLANET YAVIN. HAN AND A BRUISED AND BANDAGED CHEWIE SIT AT THE CONTROLS.**

Tasuki: (snickering) I can't believe you got beat up by a girl.

Kouji: Werrrrrrrrr surrrrfffffffff yayayayatooooooooooo. (Trans: It wasn't just a girl. It was some damn half breed too.)

Tamahome: (peeking around the corner) And you should see how he looks.

Inuyasha: (from off stage) Ooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch...

Ash: (in a pissy voice) Serves you both right! Taking on a girl...

Jess: PMS again girl.

Ash: (snarls and goes to sit in a corner with her Twix)

Miaka: (geinki-ly coming into the room) At last, we've arrived at the secret Rebel base. Do you think they'll have any food?

Everyone: (gives the cinnamon-bun-haired Princess a glare)

**THE MILLENNIUM FALCON LANDS ON THE PLANET WITH A THUD, CAUSING ITS OCCUPANTS TO FALL TO THE FLOOR**

Tasuki: Sorry bout that. Still getting the hang of these damn controls.

Keisuke: (off screen) Easy on the joy stick!

Tasuki: Who asked you!

Keisuki: Nanya.

Tasuki: Nani?

Keisuke: Nanya business. (evil grin)

Tasuki: Ah, a smart ass.

Mitsukake: Can we PLEASE move on?

Chiriko: Hey! Beeps and bleeps. NO talking.

Mitsukake: Beepbidopaipto...

Keisuke: I can't translate that! There're kids reading!

Ash and Jess: (tackle Mitsukake to the ground)

Ash: (stuffing soap into the healer's mouth) We'll have none of that in this fic.

Tamahome: It's too late for that.

Yui: Ahem! (standing with the Rebel welcoming party)

Miaka: Oh! It's Mon Mothma.

Everyone: Who?

Tasuki: The Mamoth Moth?

Yui: And still I get mocked...

Kouji: Wararerwrrr. (Trans: Join the club)

Chiriko: We have shirts. (Waves tee shirt around that says "Mocked, and Proud of It")

Tamahome: You are one sad little genius.

Chiriko: (to Keisuke) I don't expect these Neanderthals to understand the complexities of the innermost workings of the mocked genius' mind.

Keisuke: (giving a blank look) Say what?

Chiriko: (tearing up) I thought you'd understand.

Yui: Can we PLEASE get on with this!

Nuriko: (rushing on camera) Alright people, we need this half of the set to go to this room, and this half to go to the other room over there. Fighter pilots report to Sound Room B. Annoying princess with Cinabon hair, report to the cafeteria, they have lunch.

Miaka: Goodie! (races off to lunch room, unlucky people in her way getting knocked left and right)

Yui: Wait! What about my speech. Nuriko, who died and made you stage manager!

**Evil music from "Phantom of the opera, TECHNO style comes on!**

Nuriko: Ash put me in charge since she had to throw Jess in the closet with the sinful monk and she told me, and I quote, "FIX THIS DAMN MESS!" end quote. (looking smug and satisfied with himself)

All: (screaming) AHHH!

Nuriko: Wrong "AHH!" I want A-W-E! Like, "Awe! Ain't that cute?"

All: AWE!

Nuriko: FABULOUS! Cut, print, moving on to the next scene.

**EVERYONE TROOPS OFF AFTER NURIKO, SAVE FOR YUI WHO IS WISHING SHE WERE SOMEWHERE ELSE**

Yui: One lousy scene. They give me one LOUSY scene!

**AS NURIKO MOTIONS FROM THE DIRECTION OF THE BRIEFING ROOM**

Nuriko: Mon Mothma, get yer butt in here! You have one more scene!

Yui: (gives a tiny cheer move) YES! (runs in after everyone else)

**EVERYONE IS SITTING AROUND THE BRIEFING ROOM, SOME DRINKING COFFEE AND GETTING WAY TO HYPER WHILE MIAKA STUFFS HER FACE WITH ALL THE DOUGHNUTS**

Nuriko: Alright, everyone. This little journey through space is draggin and laggin. We need to speed things up a bit here. Princess?

Miaka: (mouth full) HAI?

Nuriko: (rolls eyes heavenward) Suzaku, give me strength! (wacks the glutenous girl in the back of the head. Chewed up doughnut spews out all over Keisuke and Kouji the Wookiee)

Kouji: WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG- uuuuuuuHHHHH! (Translation: SSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCC-KKKKKKK!)

Keisuke: (wipes soggy food from face) Glad to see your finally SHARING, Miaka! (sarcasm dripping along with the wet goo)

Nuriko: Great, someone help clean off the Wookiee. Sprinkles on blue fur is SOOO last year!

Tamahome: (to Tasuki) This is what they get when they put the Fashion Fairy in charge...

Tasuki: (whispers back) Well, where the hell else they gonna put him? Her? IT?

Nuriko: I HEARD THAT! YOU ARE SCREWED FLAME BOY!

Tasuki: (disgruntled) That's what I was afraid you'd say, freak.

Nuriko: (sputters then bursts into tears) How could you, you heartless BASTARD! (punches the seishi into the next wall leaving a large an painful looking hole with Tasuki's outline in it)

Ash: (returning from trying to get Jess out of closet with Chichiri, failing miserably) Nuriko, did you just send one of our leading men into orbit?

Nuriko: (blushing and batting eyelashes at Ash) I wouldn't say orbit exactly, but he'll be sputtering out dust for a while.

Ash: (drops head into hand) Baka...WE ARE GOING TO GET THIS THING IN GEAR AGAIN PEOPLE! WE ARE ALREADY OFF SCHEDULE AND THE BUDGET IS NEARLY BUST! GET IN YOUR SPOTS NOW!

**THE ENTIRE CAST SCRAMBLES ONTO STAGE ONCE MORE, FEARING LIFE AND LIMB FROM THE PISSY DIRECTOR**

Ash: Ahh, yes. Much better. Now where the hell were we?

Inuyasha: (sporting a baseball cap and carrying two cup-o-noodles and a script under his arm) Somewhere around the big blow up part with that little plastic moon set thing over there.

Ash: Ahh, right. (picks up blow horn) CUE FIGHTER PILOTS! LUKE GET THAT BUTT ON DECK! TASUKI, Er, HAN! BLUE WOOKIEE...

Inuyasha: (slurps noodles) Hmmm... chewy...

Ash: Oh, right, CHEWIE! ANYHOW, GET ON THE FALCON AND TAKE OFF! YOUR NOT IN THIS SCENE YET, HOSERS!

Inuyasha: Keh! Nice one, boss. (watches with glee as everyone scrambles about to get into place)

Tamahome: (Getting into cardboard X-Wing) Where's R-2?

Mitsukake: (being lifted by pulley system and six burley stage hands, over the cardboard fighter) This is ridiculous...

Ash: R-2...(warning tone) Beeps and blurps please!

Mitsukake: (gives director steely gaze) #!

Inuyasha: (mouth falls open and noodles dribble out) DAMN! They say I'm bad!

Ash: (ears burning) I hate temperamental actors... LEIA! Your up.

Miaka: Oh Luke! Must you go?

Tamahome: (climbs out of fighter and takes her into his arms) I'll come back for you! I swear!

Ash: (to Inuyasha) Okay, I'm not seeing this on the script...

Miaka: (still being dramatic) OH! Kiss me! Kiss me like you've never kissed me, you fool!

Keisuke, Tomo, Nuriko and Yui: (from off stage) GET A ROOM!

Tamahome: (grabs Princess Leia and dips her for a long and passionately noisy kiss)

Ash: (into blow horn) Cue water hose...

**A SUDDEN BURST OF WATER HITS THE PASSIONATE COUPLE AND THE FORCE OF THE WATER SENDS THEM TUMBLING HEAD OVER HEELS**

Inuyasha: (dumbstruck)You hosed them!

Ash: Somebody had too.

**DRIPPING WET LUKE GETS TO HIS FEET AND AFTER SCOWLING AT THE DIRECTOR CLIMBS ONCE MORE INTO THE FIGHTER. R-2 IS NOW STRAPPED IN TO THE RICKETY CONTRAPTION**

Tamahome: (singing) We're off to see the wizard-

Inuyasha: (freaking out royally) NOOO! THAT'S MY PARODY!

Tamohome: (same song, different words) We're off to kill the Death Star, the most darkest old Death Star of all...

**DOGS HOWL MISERABLY IN THE DISTANCE. GLASS SHATTERS ALL OVER THE SET**

Ash: (dumbstruck) He can't sing!

Inuyasha: (covering ears in agony) Ya think?

Ash: But.. But... he sounded so sexy on the character CD's!

Keisuke: Ahh! The beauty of voice over!

Ash: (confused) They got a voice over for the voice over!

Keisuke: Yup. Confusing, isn't it?

Ash: (slams head against nearest wall.) NEVER MIND JUST GET ON WITH THE SCENE!

**THE REBEL FIGHTERS ROCKET AWAY (thanks to hydraulics and use of mechanical lifts) AND SHOOT INTO SPACE, HEADED FOR THE DEATH STAR (which is made from plasic)**

Inuyasha: I thought we were using a papier-mache moon.

Ash: Miaka ate it...

Inuyasha: That chick eats everything. So where do we go from here?

Ash: (gives blank look) Eeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh...

**JESS WALKS ON DRAGGING AN EXHAUSTED BUT SMILING CHICHIRI BEHIND HER**

Jess: I feel refreshed. Now where were we?

Ash: You were about to take over the final fight with the Death Star while I and the hanyou go take five in the closet.

Inuyasha: Eh? (looking worried)

Ash: (grabs Inuyasha) Come on fang-boy...

Tasuki: Somebody call?

Ash: (ignoring Tasuki) You and I have a date with a small dark room.

**ASH DRAGS INUYASHA OFF WHILE JESS AND CHICHIRI STARE**

Chichiri: At least I went willingly...

Jess: (huggling her monk) Yes you did you sweetums you! Now, on with the show!

**SCENES OF REBEL FIGHTERS IN COMBAT WITH IMPERIAL FIGHTERS**. **CAMERA DOES CLOSE UP ON LUKE WHO IS STARING INTENTLY INTO THE DISTANT DARKENSS THAT IS THE DARK MOON**

Chichiri: (voice muffled from off camera) ...use the schwarts, Luke... (sounds of passionate kissing)

Tamahome: (tapping his ear peace and looking somewhat scared) Tomo, that had BETTER NOT BE YOU DAMMIT!

Jess: (grabs headset microphone from Chichiri and shouts into it) IT'S NOT THE FLAMING PAINTED WONDER YOU AIR HEADED SPACE CADET! NOW TAKE THE ADVICE AND LET ME GET BACK TO MAKING OUT WITH 'THE MASTER JEDI'

Keisuke: (to Yui) I thought they were done.

Yui: Apparently not...

Tamahome: (bursts into tears) I don't wanna play no more!

**VARIOUS CAT CALLS COME FROM OFF STAGE**

"Wooose!"

"Sissy boy!"

"Pansy ass little ghost!"

Tamahome: I KNOW THAT WAS YOU, TASUKI! (dives out of X-Wing with 'oni' flaring and tackles the red-headed seishi. Fist fight sounds ensue, as well as swearing)

Cast: (to Jess who is ignoring the fight) HELLO! Hormone crazed director! Can we get through this scene!

Jess: Someone kill the Death Star already.

Tasuki: (who has recovered, grins wickedly, showing fang, and runs over with a lighted firecracker) WOOOO WHOOOOO!

**FIRECRACKER GETS STUFFED INTO THE 'EXHAUST PORT' ANDTHE DEATH STAR'EXPLODES' INTO A BILLION LITTLE PLASTIC BITS**

Tamahome: HEY! That was my job!

Tasuki: You snooze, you lose ghost boy.

**CAMERA FLASHES TO THE MAIN AUDIENCE HALL OF THE REBEL BASE WHERE LEIA GIVES OUR HEROS THEIR NIFTY LITTLE MEDALS (WOOKIEE EXCLUDED) AND THE END CREDITS BEGIN TO ROLL

* * *

**

Darth Vader: Hey! They sank my battleship! Er... battle station...

Oola: Still sucking helium dear?

Darth: Son of a...

* * *

Thus ends this chappy. Will the rebels ever get it together? Will Vader ever find his oxygen tank and give up the helium? And what is going on in that CLOSET? 

Tasuki: Who the hell cares!

Koji: WWWWEEEEREEEEEEEE! (Translation: MEEEEEEEEE)

* * *

Note: The cast party and interviews that will follow are being conducted by MXE's own Kenny Blankenship and Vic Ramano. (With the occasional appearance of The Captain and Guy (Pronounced 'GEE'... go figure...) le Duche ) Tune in to our next chapter! 


	7. A New Parody Cast Party

Disclaimer: We own nothing! Everything is borrowed! Except our own twisted and warped imaginations, of course...

Ash: And who else would claim our warped minds?

Jess: Certainly not mother...

Author's Mothers: Indeed!

* * *

**WARNING:** This episode is not brought to you by happy genki food. Rather, lack of sleep, hours of MXE watching, and a weekend with the nephews (both under 5), who have more energy than Ash could put up with. This chapter will most likely be rated a big fat R, for sexual innuendoes, Kenny's off color remarks, and the occasional smattered of swearing within... You have been warned...

* * *

Special: Interviews of cast and crew. 

BEHIND THE FORCE: With your hosts, Kenny Blankenship and Vic Ramano.

Vic: Well, Kenny. This is a real treat. We've gone from hosting our own show to actually interviewing a cast of eliquent and well thought out characters from a very well thought out...

Kenny: Yeah, yeah. When do we get to see that 'Oola" chick? She was stacked!

Vic: KENNY! She is a well schooled actress! She deserves some respect and dignity. Not cat calls and mating calls.

Kenny: Tell that to her costume designer.

Vic: (in disgust) Lets give it over to the Captain.

**CAMERA VIEW CHANGES TO THE CAPTAIN WHO IS GATHERED WITH THE CAST AND CREW IN THE STUDIO AREA**

Captain: Thanks Vic. Question; how many of you think that the film industry is a serious and dignified profession? All those in favor, raise your hand.

Everyone: (everyone's hand shoots into the air) HAI!

Captain: Well, your all wrong. The film industry is filled with skanky pimps, and is just another way of filling up the hours of the day by people who can't get a real job. (spots Miaka and moves towards her with his spiffy cane) You, young lady. You're an actress, right? Tell me a little about yourself.

Miaka: HAI! I was once a student failing miserably in school. Acting saved my life!

Captain: I see! And how did it do that?

Miaka: Well, I was approached by this librarian one day...

Yui: Baka. That is NOT how it happened!

Captain: Oh! I see we have another drama queen in the audience. What's your story?

Yui: (deciding to ignore the 'drama queen comment' for the moment and sick her celestial warriors on him later) The twit fell into a book and stole my part.

Miaka: DID NOT!

Yui: DID TOO!

**CAT FIGHT ENSUES AND ALL THE MEN LOOK ON APPRECIATIVELY, EXCPET FOR TOMO AND NURIKO WHO ARE BOTH BUSY PRIMPING AND NOT PAYING ATTENTION**

Captain: (under breath) Nice panty shots... (clears throat) LETS GO! (blows whistle and waves big stick. Entire cast ans crew start running rampant. To where... we don't know.)

Vic: And their off, Ken. It looks like the seishi of Suzaku are in the lead, but no! Wait! I see a few of the Seiryuu are playing dirty! Tomo has just tackled Tamahome and is... oh my-!

Kenny: Eww! Guy on guy is just nasty! I wanna see more chicks fighting.

Vic: Indeed! Take us through the action here Kenny...

Kenny: Well Vic, as you can see, Tomo is hell bent on leather to get a kiss, and Tamahome just isn't putting out.

Vic: Insightful as always, Kenny, but I wasn't talking about that...

Kenny: Oh.

Vic: (once again, in disgust) Lets go to Guy. (note, still pronounced 'GEEEE!' Thank you.)

**CAMERA CHANGES TO GUY WHO IS STANDING WITH KOUJI**

Guy: (in a overly femmy and outrageous French accent) Guy here! I'm with the talented and very 'blue' Kouji, who played the part of the de Wookiee, Chewbacca. You der, tell Guy what your favorite part was of dis film.

Kouji: (still in character and costume, surprisingly enough) Wrrr raar, grr reee sshshhlllurp larr grrrr nnnee grap! (Trans: All the mouthwash I could gargle, and the random make out moments with Ash)

Guy: Ooh! Make out! Guy like!

Kouji: (bearing teeth and towering over Guy menacingly) GGGGRRRRRROOOOAAR! SNARL SNARL GURGLE ROAR! (Trans: Back off! I'm already beatin off that damn hanyou as it is!)

Guy: (startled and ready to wet pants) Er, back to you Skipper!

**CAMERA GOES BACK TO THE CAPTAIN WHO IS WITH TAMAHOME**

Captain: It's time for Twisted Love Triangles. So, tell us Tamahome, how does it feel to have your best friend stealing your girlfriend.

Tamahome: What are you talking about?

Captain: Well, you are playing the part of Luke Skywalker, right?

Tamahome: Yes.

Captain: And that rambunctious, red-haired, tessen wielding bandit is palying Han Solo?

Tamahome: (getting bored) Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Captain: And that doughnut scarfing, glutenous, Connabon haired girl is Princess Leia, right?

Tamahome: (really bored) Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht...

Captain: Well, Luke and Leia are brother and sister.

Tamahome: (major meltdown mode) WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Tasuki: (gleefully dancing in the background) Twincest! Twincest!

Vic: (from off camera) Uh, Captain... I don't think that little fact gets revealed until the last movie...

Kenny: (also from off camera) I did that once.

Vic: (still off camera) Did what?

Kenny: (you guessed it, still off camera) Once, at this party, I mistook my sister...

Vic: (hurriedly) Leave it alone Ken!

Captain: (leaves Tamahome quivering and sobbing on the ground and moves over to talk to Tasuki) So, Tasuki, what's your take on this little triangle?

Tasuki: I am SOOOOOOOOOOO pumped! Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to have a shot at Miaka?

Captain: But I thought you hated women...

Tasuki: I do!

Captain: But isn't Miaka a woman?

Tasuki: Well, yeah...

Captain: Ergo, wouldn't you hate Miaka?

Tasuki: Now hang on just one damn minute. Did the little ghost put you up to this? He's trying to talk me out of my moment of glory isn't he?

Captain: (clearing throat uncomfortably) Speaking of glory, let's go over to Glory Holes, where Miaka and Yui are trying to get past Skanky, through the glory holes, and to the Genbu Shinzahou.

**THE CAMERA GIVES AN ARIEL VIEW OF THE COURSE. THERE ARE FOUR WALLS, EACH WITH FOUR DOORS, ONLY ONE OF WHICH CAN BE PENETRATED**

Vic: Today, Miaka, Yui, and our honorary Bobaganoosh, Steveo, must get through the correct doors, over the fluid of death, and past Skanky to the Shinzahou.

**CAMERA PANS DOWN TO CAPTAIN WHO IS WITH THE CONTESTANTS AT THE START. MIAKA LOOKS READY TO GO WITH A SERIOUSLY INTENSE LOOK ON HER FACE. YUI LOOKS BORED. STEVEO LOOKS HARRIED KNOWING THAT HE WILL MOST LIKELY BE GETTING ALL THE PUNISHMENT IN THIS ROUND**

Captain: (blows whistle and motions with cane) Get it on!

Vic: Our contestants are off. Steveo is to the first door and... oooh! It's the wrong one!

**STEVEO MAKES BIG THUD NOISE AS HE BOUNCES OFF THE HARD WOODEN DOOR AND SITS ON THE GROUND LOOKING DAZED. MEANWHILE, MIAKA HAS TORPEDOED HER WAY THROUGH ONE OF THE OTHER SOLID DOORS**

Vic: Oh my gosh Kenny! Miaka has just made her own hole.

Kenny: Busted that one right open.

Vic: (reprovingly) Kenny...

**YUI FINDS THE RIGHT PAPER DOOR AND HAULS BUTT AFTER MIAKA, WHO HAS GOTTEN THROUGH A PAPER DOOR, BUT IS CAUGHT IN THE NET ON THE OTHER SIDE. YUI GOES FOR ANOTHER DOOR AND ALSO GETS STUCK IN A NET. STEVEO GOES THROUGH THE RIGHT DOOR AND INTO A LARGE PUDDLE**

Vic: Oh, looks like Babaganoosh is floundering in the fluid.

Kenny: Right you are Vic.

Vic: Kenny, that's MY line!

Kenny: Right you are Vic.

Vic: Damn it Kenny! Just get to the fluid.

Kenny: Today's fluid is brought to you courtesy of the Sith Lord's Sewage and Sausage Plant. It's fresh from the grinder...

Authors: (poke heads out of the closet and hang heads in shame) Oh we've sunk so low... (go back to make out sessions)

Vic: Back to the action. Miaka and Yui have gotten themselves untangled from their nets and are on their way through Steveo's door. And... oh! They're both down in the fluid. Take us through it Ken.

**CAMERA SHOWS A SLOW MOTION OF MIAKA DASHING THROUGH THE DOOR AND MAKING A SPECTACULAR SPLASH INTO THE FLUID. YUI LEAPS OVER MIAKA'S HEAD, BUT HER ANKLE IS SNAGGED BY THE GLUTTONOUS PRIESTESS OF SUZAKU**

Kenny: Well right here, as you can see Vic, Miaka's skirt flies up and you can clearly see her Hello Kitty underwear.

Vic: Kenny... we're professionals. We don't report on underwear.

Kenny: Really? Cause in this shot you can clearly see Yui's red thong.

**MOMENT OF SILENCE**

Vic: Really? Rewind that again... I mean... KENNY! That's disgusting! Moving on.

Kenny: Now the two priestesses are rolling about in the muck. Boy, they're really getting into it.

Vic: Right you are, Ken. And it looks like Steveo Bobaganoosh is skirting his way around Skanky and on his way to the last Glory Hole.

Miaka and Yui: (their heads pop up in horror) WHAT!

Vic: And he's through! Steveo has reached the Genbu Shinzahou and is doing the Happy Little Wood Nymph Dance of Joy.

Kenny: Right you are Vic.

Vic: Knock it off Ken.

Miaka: What! I thought you said it was the Golden Doughnuts of Glazed Goodness as the end of the Glory Holes.

**THE PRIESTESS OF SUZAKU'S EYES GO RED IN RAGE AND SHE FLIES AT SKANKY (an overgrown samurai in padded armor) AND PROCEEDS TO PUMMEL HIM**

Vic: Good heavens, Ken! It looks like she's pummeling Skanky. And now Yui's getting in on the action.

Kenny: Yeah. Looks like a gang bang to me.

Vic: KENNY! There are children reading this!

Kenny: Nah. It's past their bed time.

Authors: (burst out of closet) That's it! You're not doing interviews. You're holding MXE games. Get with the program!

Vic: Fine. Kenny, you know what time it is.

Kenny: It's time for Kenny Blankenship's most painful eliminations of the day. At number ten, we have Tamahome getting tackled by Tomo the Homo. Oh, that doesn't go down smooth. At number nine we have, Captain breaking the news to Tamahome that he's been smacking on his sister.

**PICTURE OF CAPTAIN FLYING THROUGH A WALL, COURTESY OF TAMAHOME'S ONI POWER**

Kenny: At number eight we have, Kouji beating the snot out of Guy for tying to make a move on Ash when his back was turned. Number seven is Steveo Bobaganoosh who took a smack down and kept on going.

**PICTURES OF STEVEO REPEATEDLY RUNNING INTO A WALL WITH LITTLE "AH!" NOISES PLAYED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER...**

Kenny: At number six, we have Miaka getting fish-netted as she flies through the glory hole. Ouch! Fishnet facial. Number five goes to Suboshi. It turns out that Darth Vader finally got his hands on the teen and beat him black and blue for passing him the wrong gas.

**NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE OF VADER WAILING ON POOR SUBOSHI**

Kenny: Number four goes to the Authors, who take a lickin' and keep on ticken'.

Inuyasha and Chichiri: (poke heads out of closet) Hey! Watch it hentai boy! (no da) (feh!)

Kenny: Number three goes to Tamahome, who got a nosebleed after seeing Yui's thong and was swiftly pummeled by Miaka.

Vic: We didn't see that.

Kenny: So... Number two goes to Yui and Miaia. For going down hard into the fluid and keeping us entertained all the way. And my number one most painful elimination of the day goes to... Skanky! For getting pummeled by two, not one but two, priestesses. Way to take one for the team Skank!

Vic: That was shameless.

Kenny: But entertaining.

Vic: (deep sigh) What do we always say?

Everyone: Don't... get... eliminated!

* * *

Authors: Vic! Kenny! You're fired! 

Kenny: What a Trump.

* * *

Authors: (bow with foreheads touching ground) Gomen! Gomen! We know it was shameless, and in bad taste, but we couldn't resist. Incidentally, if you don't know what MXE is, check out SpikeTV dot com. 


	8. Parody Strikes Back casting call

Jess and Ash munch on goodies from the baskets provided by Stariko-Tasuki No Miko1 (who will hereafter be known as Stariko for length's sake). We regret to inform Beanerbaby that we aren't in the business of taking firstborns...

Ash: (under breath) The nephews were hard enough...

**THE PARODY STRIKES BACK** (dundundun...)

Jess: Whoa.

Ash: Yeah...

Keisuke: (shines nails on lapels) Thank you.

**JESS AND ASH MUNCH ON PEEPS AND JELLYBEANS WHILE WAITING FOR THE CAST MEMBERS TO ASSEMBLE**.

Ash: (mouth full of Peeps) I want to adopt Stariko. She makes good baskets!

Jess: Not now... the cast is assembling. (takes out bullhorn)

Inuyasha: Jess!

Jess: (into bullhorn) WHAT?

**INUYASHA IS SENT FLYING BACK INTO THE WALL BY THE SOUND WAVES. HE CLUTCHES HIS EARS IN AGONY. ASH RUSHES OVER AND STUFFS PEEPS INTO HIS EARS TO PREVENT FURTHER LOSS OF HEARING.**

Ash: Better darling?

Inuyasha: (still deaf from loud explosion of sound) Nani?

Ash: (pats hanyou on head) Never mind dear.

Jess: (now self-conscious about using bullhorns talks in normal voice) Time for the casting call. Due to the huge success of "A New Parody" we have been granted a new budget.

Everyone: Yay.

Jess: Which means we can now afford stunt doubles.

Everyone: Yay!

Jess: But only for the main cast.

Everyone: yay...

Jess: For now we'll just focus on the main characters casting call.

Ash: (holding up script) Luke, still Tamahome. Leia, still Miaka. Han, still Tasuki. Chewie, still Kouji.

**BLUE WOOKIEE GRABS AND DIP KISSES ASH. INUYASHA IS STILL TOO OUT OF IT TO FIGHT BACK.**

Ash: (slightly dazed) R2 will be 3PO... I mean 3PO will fruit cocktail can...

Jess: (snatches script form Ash whilst giving Blue Wookiee a glare) Stop doing that Kouji! You know she only has limited brain cells. R2 will be Mitsukake.

Ash: Hey! S'my job! And I resemble that last comment.

Everyone: We know!

**ASH'S EYES FILL WITH TEARS AND INUYASHA'S HANYOU NOSE PICKS IT UP. HE IMMEDIATELY BEGINS CLOBBERING ANYONE NEAR HIM.**

Jess: Ash, please restrain your hanyou. He'll kill the cast before we even get started.

Ash: (toddles up to Inuyasha and plops her head against his chest) I'm a fermata. Hold me.

**THE HANYOU OBLIGES AND WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER, CEASING HIS DESTRUCTION OF PRINCIPLE CHARACTERS.**

Eva Star: (making a cameo appearance) I'm a thirty-sixth note. How fast can you tongue?

Everyone: (sweatdrops and facefaults)

Chichiri: What's with all the musical innuendo, no da?

Jess: (drily) We were trying to tone it down a bit. Apparently it's not working...

**EVA STAR BOWS AND LEAVES THE SCENE. INUYASHA AND ASH WATCH HER LEAVE IN HORRIFIED WONDER.**

Inuyasha: That was damn scary.

Ash: Yup.

Everyone: Can we get back to the task at hand?

Jess: (looking at script) 3PO will be played by Chiriko, again. The Wompa Ice Creatures will play themselves. Taun-tauns will play thmselves.

Tasuki: Get with the program! We already know all this. Who are the new characters?

Tamahome: Yeah! We wanna know who the new cast members are.

Jess: (looking at script) Ha! We don't know yet!

Ash: Actually, we just want to keep you on pins and needles.

**CAST MEMBERS STALK TOWARD AUTHORS WITH INTENT TO DO BODILY HARM. SUDDENLY CHICHIRI STEPS BETWEEN THE TWO AUTHORS AND THE CAST. HIS KESA IS THROWN ACROSS HIS SHOULDERS, PONCHO STYLE. A BLACK, DUSTY WESTERN-STYLE HAT IS ON HIS HEAD AND A THIN CIGAR IS CLENCHED IN HIS TEETH.**

Everyone: Holy... what the...

Jess: (grinning and waving at her man) Holy is right!

Chichiri: So what you've got to ask yourselves is this, do ya feel lucky, punks? Well, do ya, no da!

**THE ATTACKING MOB SLOWLY BACKS AWAY, FEARFUL OF WHAT THE MONK OF SUZAKU MIGHT DO. AND WONDERING WHAT LUCK HAD TO DO WITH ANYTHING.**

Ash: (turning to Inuyasha) What's with 'The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly' moment?

Inuyasha: (shrugs shoulder and pulls Peeps from his hears) Dunno.

**A SMALL FIGURE IN BROWN ROBES, HER FACE PARTIALLY PAINTED GREEN, WITH LARGE POINTY PROSTHETIC EARS FLOPPING ABOUT RUNS INTO THE ROOM.**

Taiitsu-kun: Who you calling ugly!

Everyone: Sunakake baba!

Ash: (waving the Oracle out of the room) Not yet! Not yet! You'll give it away.

**VARIOUS NYAN-NYANS APPEAR AND DRAG THE STILL RAGING ORACLE OFF.**

Inuyasha: (pops Peeps into his mouth) We'll, we can't do much more damage to this popsicle joint.

Ash: (horrified) Eww! Do you know where those have been?

Inuyasha: (cleaning his ears with his fingers to remove all traces of sugar) Yeah. So what?

Jess: This concludes this portion of our new story. Until we post again, please don't do anything too drastic to us... Arigatou!

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

To those who review, we will try to work you into the story if you are so inclined. Please mention bishounen/bishoujo you would like to interact with and if you want to be a character, or a behind the scenes person.

Stariko and Beanerbaby. As the reviewers that got this part fo the fic off to it's start, you are our first cameos. Please email Ash or myself to let us know how you want to be inserted. (big grin) Thanks for the goodies!

We'd also like to thank Roku Kyu for her impression of Chichiri as Clint Eastwood in her fic "Casting Stones" (which we shamelessly borrowed without permission). Thanks Roku!


	9. Parody Strikes Back part one

Ash runs over to Inuyasha after her stint with a sock bandage on her hand. (Note: to get the full effect of the bandage comment, please see the first chapter of Rurouni Bride)

Ash: Ouchie! Hold me.

Inuyasha: Fermata moment again?

Ash: (whine-squeaks) Yes...

Inuyasha: (rolls eyes) Feh! (spots Kouji running over to Ash. Sweeps her up and jumps away) MINE!

Jess: Not again. You freakin' idiots!

Chichiri: (standing behind her with hands on his hips) Da! (agreeing)

**KOUJI STANDS LOOKING UP AT INUYASHA, WHO IS HIDING WITH ASH IN THE RAFTERS, AND SHAKES HIS FURRY FIST. THERE IS A SUDDEN COMOTION AND A WAR CRY AND KOUJI IS TACKLED TO THE GROUND.**

Beanerbaby: (singing) Kouji my love!

**A GRAPPLING FIGHT ENSUES WITH KOUJI TRYING TO GET AWAY AND BEANERBABY HOLDING ON TENACIOUSLY. THE BLUE FURRED WOOKIEE FINALLY MANAGES TO GET TO HIS FEET, BUT CAN'T GET BEANERBABY DISLODGED FROM HIS LEG. HE FINALLY GIVES UP AND GOES TO SEARCH FOR TASUKI WITH A WALK-DRAG-WALK-DRAG GAIT.**

Jess: Now that's devotion.

Chichiri: No. That's scary, no da.

**STARIKO COMES RUNNING IN AND LOOKS AROUND FRANTICALLY.**

Stariko: Where's Tasuki?

Ash: Down the hall, second door on the left, Monique.

Stariko: (giving Ash a scared look) Thanks, but I'm not Monique. (runs off down the hall)

Ash: I could have sworn she was a French foreign exchange student.

Inuyasha: (cuddles) Let's go take five sweetie.

Jess: I guess we'll get on with the show now...

* * *

**The Parody Strikes Back (part one)**

**STAR FIELD COMES UP AND LARGE YELLOW LETTERS BEGIN TO SCROLL FROM BOTTOM TO TOP.**

**LONG AGO IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY... HOTH!**

Ash: What about it?

Keisuke: I'm thinkin'! I'm thinkin'!

**Big yellow letters again**

**IT WAS COLD! MUCH TO COLD FOR SNOW CONES. THE METAL WAS COLD ENOUGH TO FREEZE A TAUN-TAUN'S TONGUE TO IT.**

Jess: What do the mounts have to do with anything?

Keisuke: Just shut up and let me work!

**More big yellow letters.**

**AND SO OUR HEROS FIND THEMSELVES ON THIS TAUN-TAUN TONGUE FREEZING PLANET.**

Tasuki: It'll freeze more than a Taun-taun's tongue. (shivers)

Keisuke: They said to keep it PG. I can't talk about that...

Tasuki: Since when have we ever managed to keep this PG?

Keisuke: Point. NOW CAN I PLEASE FINISH MY JOB WITHOUT ANY MORE INTERRUPTIONS!

**Everyone vacates the area within five miles of Keisuke. Keisuke cracks knuckles and types furiously. More yellow letters...**

**LUKE, HAVING LOST A BET AND DESPERATELY NEEDING MONEY, AND HAVING HEARD THAT THERE'S GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLS, TAKES OFF LIKE AND IDIOT ON HIS OWN. LUCKY FOR HIM** (or unlucky as the case may be) **HAN SOLO THINKS THIS IS A PATROL MISSION AND FOLLOWS ON HIS TAUN-TAUN**

Tasuki: Whatchya doin'?

Tamahome: Nuthin'.

Tasuki: Where'er ya goin'?

Tamahome: Nowhere.

Tasuki: (brightly) Can I come?

Tamahome: (oni flaring on his forehead and thinking of having to split the loot two ways) NO!

Tasuki: Why not?

Tamahome: Just go back to the base Tasuki.

Tasuki: It's Han, and... (whining) I don't wanna and you can't make me!

Tamahome: (growling in disgust. Suddenly brightens) Okay, you can come. I was just going to see your mother about some milk.

Tasuki: (screams and races back to the base)

Tamahome: (laughs to self and keeps on going)

**LUKE'S TAUN-TAUN BEGINS TO ACT FUNNY, SNORTING AND PAWING AT THE GROUND.**

Tamahome: What's up girl. Do you smell gold?

Taun-taun: Gguuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (trans: Timmy fell into the well)

Tamahome: (perplexed) Is this a Lassie reference?

Wompa: No idiot, it's Taun-taun humor.

**WOMPA WHACKS LUKE UPSIDE THE HEAD AND OUR HERO FALLS INTO THE SNOW, UNCONSCIOUS.**

Wompa: Whoops...

Taun-taun: Gggggarrrrrrruuuuuurrrrrrrr (trans: Ya think?)

Wompa: (looking at the Taun-taun) Well then, lunch?

Taun-taun: (passes out from fright)

Wompa: Oh for the love of...

**WOMPA ICE CREATURE DRAGS BOTH UNCONSCIOUS BODIES OFF TO HIS CAVE. WHEN LUKE AWAKENS NEXT HE IS HANGING FROM HIS FEET, FREEZIN HIS TOOTSIES OFF SINCE THEY ARE ENCASED IN ICE. HE GLANCES ABOUT THE CAVE AND SPOTS THE WOMPA WITH... HIS UNCLE OWEN AND AUNT BERU.**

Tamahome: (in alarm, shock, confusion and utter disbelief) NANI! What are you two doing here?

Aunt Beru:(AKA Suburu for any of you who have forgotten from episode one) (She puases from taking a picture of Uncle Owen posing in a fight stance with the Wompa.) You told us about this place dear, don't you remember?

Tamahome: but...but...

Uncle Owen: (AKA Tokaki..again, for those who may have forgotten...) And you were right. Most of the Wompa's ARE hybernating this time of the year. (Slings arm around Wompa's shoulder in a buddy kind of manner and give camera cheesy grin. Wompa smiles as well and scares the hell out of the camera lens which suddenly cracks)

Aunt Beru: Oh dear. We go through more camera that way...Looks like that's the last on dear. Our camera is dead.

Uncle Owen: Well, it was a wonderful eggsalad lunch, Mr Wompa. And thanks for the snow cone dessert. You have fun with the Wompa now, Luke. Your Aunt and I are off to join up with the tour group again.

Tamahome: NO! WAIT! Don't leave me hangin!

Owen: (chuckling and shaking head) You kids and your slang term... lol... leave you hanging! That was a good one. See ya!

Tamahome: (looks at his feet, back at Tokaki, then his feet again.) WHAT PART OF HANGING DON"T YOU GET?

**OWEN AND BERU LEAVE THE WOMPA CAVE, HAPPILY IGNORING THEIR NEPHEW AND READY TO SEE THE NEXT SIGHT ON THE TOUR ATTRACTION. LUKE LOOKS ABOUT AND SPOTS HIS LIGHTSABER STUCK IN THE SNOW, LIT UP AND BEING USED AS A NIGHT LIGHT.**

Tamahome: HEY! That is serious equipment! You shouldn't use it for something so trivial!

Wompa: Trivial? You should try getting to the bathroom at night without stubbing your toes on one of those ice stalagmights! (Hold up toes which are all wrapped in gauze from numerous meetings with afore mentioned stalagmights.)

Tamahome: (oni flaring) I DON"T CARE! THAT THING COSTS MONEY! (busts feet out from ceiling) LUCAS LOANED THOSE TO US AND MADE US SWEAR ON THE MIKO OF SUZAKU THAT WE WOULD BRING THEM BACK IN GOOD WORKING CONDITION AND YOU-

**THE WOMPA SNAGS THE WEAPON AND SHOVES IT AT LUKE. SHOVES HIM OUT OF THE CAVE AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. HE JUST CAN'T HANDLE ALL THE HIGH PITCHED HISSY FITTING. DUE TO THE SUDDEN CHANGE IN AIR TEMPERATURE (from the relative warmth of the Wampa's cave to the frigid cold of outside) LUKE PASSES OUT.**

**MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE REBEL BASE, HAN AND CHEWIE ARE CALLED INTO THE COMMAND CENTER.**

Yui: There you two are.

Tasuki: Wait! I thought you were playing Mon Mothma. That part's over.

Yui: Aparently the authoresses have decided to give me another part... Anyway, we just had something strange plunk down in the south-east quadrant of out territory.

Kouji: Wer warrrrrrrrrrrrrr gurrrrrrrrrrrrrr (trans: Probably Tasuki's mom)

Tasuki: Gah! Don't say that Kouji. It'd be like her to visit me while I was shooting a film.

Kouji: (laughs)

Yui: Will you two stop messing around and go check that anomaly out?

Tasuki: (to Kouji) Did she just say alimony?

Miaka: (randomly appearing) No, baka. She said abalone.

Yui: (whacks both of them into the ground) You are both BAKAS!

Don Tacos: Cow?

Yui: I SAID 'BAKA' NOT 'BOCA'! And who the hell are you?

Don Tacos: I am... OUTTA HERE! (vanished in a cloud of dust)

Tasuki, Kouji, Yui: Chichiri!

**SAID MONK APPEARS IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE**

Chichiri: Hai, no da?

Tasuki: Don't give us that kawaii 'hai, no da?'. What the hell were you doing here calling youreself Don Tacos?

Chichiri: (perplexed) I was with Jess. (blushes)

Jess: (stalking into the set) I can vouch for that and if you call him away again for such a stupid reason, I'll hang you and replace you!

**GRABS CHICHIRI'S HAND AND STALKS OFF**

Tasuki: Damn, that must have been some make out session we interrupted.

Ash: (walking past with a steaming cup of hot cocoa) Did you guys see Don Tacos?

Tasuki, Kouji, Yui: Ano... hai?

Ash: Oh good. I thought I'd missed him. I've got to tell him how great his cocoa is. He's Juan Valdez's cousin.

**THREE ACTORS FACEFAULT AS ASH WALKED OFF SET**

Ash: (yelling over her shoulder) The anomaly is waiting...!

Yui: (recovering) Han, Chewie, get out there and take care of it!

**HAN AND CHEWIE SALUTE AND, PULLING ON THEIR WINTER GEAR, RACE FROM THE BASE TOWARD THE ANOMALY. OUR INTREPID HEROS MAKE IT TO THE CRASH SITE AND STEALTHILY MOVE FROM SNOW BANK TO SNOW BANK, SNEAKING UP ON THE ANOMALY.**

Kouji: Gwerrrrrrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrrr hurrrrrrrrrrrhurrrrrrr wariririrrrrr? (trans: Does the rolling help?)

Tasuki: (brushing snow from his hair) Yes. Actually it does. See? I blend in.

Kouji: Hurrrrrrrrrrrrrarrrrrrrrrrrrr ggggurrrrrrrrrrrrr... (trans: You look like a snowman...)

Tasuki: Shows how much you know. If a Wompa came now, you'd be lunch and I'd be safe in my disguise.

Kouji: Wwwerrrrrrrrrrrrrrerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. (trans: Whatever.)

**WHILE OUR TWO HEROS ARE ARGUING, THE DOOR TO THE POD IN THE CRASH CRATOR OPENS REVEALING... BEANERBABIE AND STARIKO!**

Stariko: Are we on Hoth?

Beanerbabie: It's cold enough. Probably.

**BOTH GIRLS PAUSE AS THEY HEAR THE VOICES OF THEIR BISHOUNEN COMING FROM SOMEWHERE ABOVE THEM.**

Stariko: (with stars in her eyes) Tasuki-sama...

Beanerbaby: (in much the same condition) Kouji-sama...

Stariko: (climbing up the crater side and standing behind Tasuki) 'Scuse me?

Beanerbaby: (climbs up next to Stariko) Hey!

**THE MEN IGNORE THEM, STILL ARGUING. BEANERBABY GETS FED UP AND DIVES ONTO KOUJI. THE TWO FALL TO THE GROUND AND BEGIN ROLLING, GATHERING SNOW MUCH LIKE VAL KILMER IN THE MOVIE "WILLOW". TASUKI AND STARIKO WATCH IN AWE AS THE BLUE WOOKIEE AND THE FANGIRL BECOME A HUGE SNOWBALL HEADED FOR THE REBEL BASE**.

Tasuki: I'm comin' for ya buddy! (pauses to think) This could end the movie.

Stariko: (tapping him on the shoulder) Ano...

**TASUKI PICKS STARIKO UP AND RUNS AFTER THE GINORMUS SNOWBALL. KOUJI'S WOOKIEE WAILS MINGLE WITH BEANERBABY'S SCREAMS CAN BE HEARD BY THE WOMPA AS THEY GO ROLLING PAST HIS CAVE, INADVERTENTLY PICKING UP LUKE IN THE PROCESS**

**PRINCESS LEIA, WHO NEEDED SOME AIR, HAS OPENED THE DOOR TO THE REBLE BASE AND IS ENJOYING THE BRACING HOTH AIR. SUDDENLY SHE SEES A BIG WHITE SOMETHING COMING TOWARD HER.**

Miaka: (yelling back into the base) Hey, you guys. You should really come see this. It looks like a giant snow... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**THE PRINCESS SHRIEKS AS THE GINORMUS SNOWBALL RUNS HER OVER AS IT CAREENS INTO THE BASE. AFTER KNOCKING OVER VARIOUS SNOWSPEEDERS AND A FEW TAUN-TAUNS, IT IMPACTS WITH THE BACK WALL OF THE BASE, BREAKING IN HALF TO REVEAL CHEWBACCA, A STRANGE GIRL, AND A HALF FROZEN LUKE**

Yui: Good work Wookiee-boy. I was just going to send someone out to find Luke.

Tasuki: (comes running into the base and throws Stariko into the snowball) Kouji! Speak to me. Are ya alright?

Kouji: (swirley eyed) Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Jess: (pokes head out of makeout closet) Hey! That's my line.

Chichiri: (from inside the closet) And mine, na no da.

Inuyasha: (stomps onto the set and gets into Tasuki's face) Wait just a dang minute! You were supposed to stuff Luke into a Taun-taun. Lightsaber slashing, guts spilling, steam rising...

Ash: (grossed out and shining) That's so brutal...

Inuyasha: Er... fluffy butterflies 'n stuff. Damn it, you get the idea!

Tasuki: You gotta be jokin'! The dead ones smell worse than the live ones.

Inuyasha: That's you're problem. It's not my parody.

Tasuki: THEN GET THE HELL OF'A MY SET!

**THE TWO FANG BOYS SUDDENLY ENGAGE IN A FIST FIGHT. ASH AND STARIKO WATCH THE BIG BRAWL.**

Ash: Ain't they cute when they're cuddling?

Stariko: (nods with stary eyes)

Tasuki: We ain't cuddlin'!

Inuyasha: We're brawlin'!

Kouji: (trying to shake Beanerbaby off his leg tries to join Tasuki and Inuyasha in their brawl) Gwer gooooo! Gwer gooooo! (trans: Me too! Me too!)

Beanerbaby: Nothin' doin' honey. You're mine now! (insert evil laugh here)

Narrator: Will the fang boys ever stop brawling? Will Inuyasha and Ash ever get a chance in the makeout closet? Will Kouji ever get the fangirl off his leg? Tune into the next episode of Constellation Wars to find out!

* * *

Inuyasha: (standing outside the makeout closet (to be known here after as the MOC) and banging on the door) Give another couple a chance! 

Ash: (standing pensively behind him) Can't you just rip the door off and pull 'em out? I feel the need to maul you.

* * *

Authoresses' Notes: 

If anyone gets the "Monique" reference we will happily insert you into the next chapter.

The same thing goes for the "does the rolling help" quote.


	10. Parody Strikes Back part two

Constellation Wars: The Parody Strikes Back  
Chapter 2

Duhn, duhn, duhn!

Ash: Again with the sound effects... that is just amazing.

Inuyasha: (rather unimpressed by it all) Feh! Anticlimactic is more like it.

**JESS IS LAYING ON A CRAFT MATIC ADJUSTABLE BED THAT MOVES UP AND DOWN, WRAPPED FROM HEAD TO TOE IN WET CLOTH THAT SMELLS STRONGLY OF HERBS. **

Ash: Erm... Jess? What is this? Are we doing a parody of "The Mummy" or something? (looks around excited hoping to see Brenden Fraizer on the set.)

Jess: MFF muff mrr grough.

Ash and Inuyasha: ... huh?

Kouji: (attempting to translate for her) Grr row urff grrrruuuuuuuuu.

Ash and Inuyasha: (turn to look at the blue boy) ... huh?

Mitsukake: (coming up from behind them all) She's got a sunburn, and the wrap is to cool her off and prevent peeling.

**EVERYONE, SAVE FOR JESS, JUMPS AT HEARING HIM SPEAK FROM BEHIND. **

Ash: Wow, Mitsukake! That's amazing! You speak both Bandage-ese and Wookiee! What a beautiful translation.

Mitsukake: (rolling eyes and grumbling to himself) And they wonder why I became a hermit...

Chichiri: That wasn't a translation, he's the one who wrapped her, no da.

**CHICHIRI BRINGS A LARGE GLASS WITH A WEDGE OF PINEAPPLE ON THE SIDE AND A LITTLE COCKTAIL UMBRELLA IN IT. HE SLIPS THE STRAW BETWEEN TWO FOLDS IN THE SHEETS AND LETS JESS DRINK THE FRUITY TREAT. **

Chichiri: (to Jess) Better my love, no da?

Jess: (nods head and sips the treat happily)

Ash: So... you want me to get things movin' then? (gently pats her pal's hand)

Jess: (nods)

**ASH GRABS HER "DIRECTORS" BALL CAP AND BLOW HORN. INUYASHA SPOTS THE NOISY THING AND RACES LIKE MAD OFF SET. ASH GRABS PAPER AND GETS INTO THE DOLLY LIFT CHAIR, WAITING FOR KEISUKE TO LIFT HER UP IN IT SO SHE CAN ADDRESS EVERYONE ON SET. THE CHAIR GOS UP, THEN DOWN, THEN SIDE TO SIDE, REPEATING THE WHOLE THING AGAIN. ASH DROPS THE BLOW HORN AND HANGS ON FOR DEAR LIFE, SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS IN HORROR AS THE CONTRAPTION GOES WIGGY.**

Ash: Priest! I need the Priest! Exorcize it! Exorcize it! This chair is possessed!

**EXTRAS AND CAST MEMBERS RUN AROUND SCREAMING WILDLY AND TRYING TO AVOID THE SWINGING THING. THE ARM TAKES OUT THREE EXTRAS AND ONE OF THE MAIN FIGHTER PIOLET ACTORS. **

Chichiri: Demon, be gone.

**CHICHIRI CALMLY YANKS THE PLUG OUT OF THE WALL. THE CHAIR COMES TO A HALT AS ASH SLOWLY MELTS TO THE GROUND IN A PUDDLE OF GREEN FACED ILLNESS. TASUKI COMES CRASHING THROUGH THE DOOR, STARIKO ON HIS ARM. **

Tasuki: Come on people! The press is waiting to start the junket! (takes note of the mess and goes over to poke at a sick looking Ash) You didn't forget about the press conference did you?

Ash: P-p-p-press? (clamps hand over mouth and gets shakily to feet) Sure...no... prob... someone needs to unwrap Jess.

Mitsukake: Got it covered. (chuckles to himself)

**MOMENTS LATER, THE DIRECTORS/AUTHRESSES AND THE MAIN CONSTELLATION WARS CAST IS SITTING AT THE LONG TABLE WITH A HUGE POSTER OF THE MOVIE BEHIND THEM. INUYASHA IS SITTING NEXT TO ASH, FANNING HER AND FEEDING HER SALTINE CRACKERS, PRAYING SHE DOESN'T LOSE HER LUNCH ALL OVER HIM. CHICHIRI SITS NEXT TO A NOW TAN AND GORGEOUS LOOKING JESS WHO IS BEING OGLED BY EVERY MAN IN THE ROOM. **

**A GAGGLE OF REPORTERS ARE IN THE ROOM. AMONGST THEM ARE M.E.WRIGHT, LABBYGIRL101 AND BEANERBABY. **

**(Men reporter-o-vision)  
**_Jess casually reaching for the microphone and making every man drool._

**(Jess Reality-o-vision)  
**_Jess is shaking like a 7.0 earthquake as she grips the microphone like a life line._

Jess: First question. Lets start with... you. (Points to M.E. Wright)

M.E: We've all been wondering who Darth Vader is. Can you give the public a clue to his identity?

**(Men reporter-o-vision)  
**_Jess brushes her sun kissed blonde hair over her shoulder and wets her lips with her tongue to answer. The first row of men get nose bleed and fall on the floor._

**(Jess Reality-o-vision)  
**_Jess shoves annoying strand of hair over shoulder and nervously licks lips._

Jess: I'm afraid that is confidential and no one but Ash and myself know who Darth really is. Next question?

Inuyasha: (looking worried at the swirly eyed look on Ash, gives her a slight poke in her arm) Oy, you okay?

Ash: (gives him horrified look) I can't take the 'O-Vision' switches! It's making me motion sick again. Get me outta here, PLEASE!

Inuyasha: oh... Okay. No hurlin' on me, a'ight?

Ash: Just get movin'...

**INUYASHA PICKS UP THE SICK DIRECTOR AND SNEAKS OFF AWAY FROM THE JUNKET. THE QUESTIONS CONTINUE.**

Labbygirl: I understand that there have been some rather hot and heavy love scenes on stage and off that won't be making the final cut. Is there any way we can purchase a copy of those lost pieces of footage for posterity's sake?

**THE CROWD OF REPORTERS MOVE IN FOR THE FINAL WORD ON THIS.**

**(Men reporter-o-vision)  
**_Jess blushes slightly and gives a sultry look to the crowd. The remaining male reporters gush blood and wilt to the floor in twitching messes._

**(Jess Reality-o-vision)  
**_Jess goes seven shades past red and sweatdrops furiously. Her eyes are now bulging out with sheer horror a the thought of what her mother would think if she ever got a peek at the love scenes and feels herself going a bit green._

Jess: I'm afraid that will be for directors and actors only... sort of a "remember when" memento.

**THE THREE REMAINING WOMEN ARE LOOKING AT THE MESS OF BODIES LYING AROUND THEM AND WONDER WHAT TO DO NEXT. **

Inuyasha: (from behind the movie poster) Are we done with this junky thing yet? Ash is gonna explode!

Ash: I AM NOT! I drank Sprite. I'm fine.

Jess: And that helps how?

Ash: Ancient Chinese secret!

Jess: (at top of her lungs) SPRITE IS NOT CHINESE!

**INUYASHA RUSHES OVER AND PUTS HIS HANDS OVER ASH'S EARS.**

Inuyasha: SHUD'UP! I just got her convinced she's feelin' better! Don't screw it up!

Jess:... ummmm... oookay...

**HOTOHORI COMES GLIDING OVER TO STAND BESIDE JESS. ALL THE WOMEN ARE DROOLING OVER HIM. HOTOHORI IS IGNORING THEM AS HE STARES AT HIMSELF IN A MIRROR AND FLUFFS HIS HAIR.**

Hotohori: I don't mean to interrupt such a... charming discussion, but you might like to know that my big scene is coming up here soon and we are short on the extra peasant help. Oh, and Ash took out my gunner with her possessed director's chair. I'd like to personally hand pick the replacement. I'd hate to have someone prettier than me stealing such an important scene.

Jess and Chichiri: ... Right... no da.

Jess: (behind her hand to Chichiri) Is he usually this Narcissistic? I thought that was all part of the act in FY, not real.

Chichiri: Nope, no da. He's like that ALL the time. They asked him to tone it down for FY.

**THEY ALL MOVE OUT OF THE PRESS ROOM AND GO BACK TO THE SET. M.E WRIGHT, LABBYGIRL101 AND BEANERBABY FOLLOW ALONG, BEING SUDDENLY RECRUITED AS 'EXTRAS'.**

Beanerbaby: (surprised look on face her and speaking to the stage man who is leading them in) They kicked me out last time for attacking Kouji/Chewie. I'm surprised they let me back in.

Inuyasha: (disguised... somewhat... and chuckling to himself as he shows them in) Oh, that. He requested you personally! He's right over there. He acts like he hates it, but I know he's really excited to see you again.

Beanerbaby: (overly genki) Really? (she races off and tackles a shocked and fearful blue Wookiee, smothering him with kisses. M.E. and Labbygirl look on in shock and glance over at the now laughing hanyou)

Inuyasha: (shouting to Kouji) That's fer tryin' to steal my authoress! FEH!

Jess: SIT!

Inuyasha: (face planting, Muffled voice can be heard) ...how...how...how!

Jess: Never you mind! Just behave! EVERYONE GET IN YOUR PLACES! WE ARE ON PAGE FIVE AND HAVE HAD NO ACTION TO SPEAK OF!

**THE CAST AND CREW SCRAMBLE TO GET IN THEIR PLACE. THE NEWEST EXTRA's LINE UP TO GET THEIR ORDERS. ASH AND JESS START LOOKING THEM OVER AND GIVING THEM THEIR ASSIGNMENTS. AMONG THEM WERE Emiko87, Kenshin, Hikitsu, Kyou, Yuki, Yusagi and Gin-the-Emporor. **

Jess: Okay. The following are going to be on the Rebel fleet side. Yusagi, you've been requested as a gunner for Hot'n'horny- I MEAN (sweatdrops with embarrassment) HOTOHORI!

Ash: (snickering to self) Hot'n'horny... (giggles self silly) Fits him.

Jess: (glares at Ash to get her to shut up) Kenshin, Hikitsu, Kyou, Yuki-kun, Yusagi, you're all in the trenches.

Kyou: DAMN RAT! I AIN'T FIGHTIN' ON THE SAME SIDE AS HIM!

Yuki: (calm as ever) That's because you'd loose the battle for us, stupid cat. You can't hit the broad side of a hanyou.

Inuyasha: (off to the side) HEY!

Jess: Well, you can go back to the dark side and have leeks for lunch, or you can get in a different trench and shut up about it. What's it gonna be?

Kyou: (hair raises on back of his neck in horror at the thought of eating leeks) My trench had better be MILES away from his!

Yuki: I'd prefer to be up wind from him, if you don't mind.

Jess: (smacks them both to the ground) One, the wind shifts so much, I wouldn't know which way to call down wind, and two, your nostril hairs are gonna freeze out there anyway, so lets not pick nits over this!

Ash: (distracted and intrigued with the shortest extra in the group) Kenshin? What are you doing here? Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?

Kenshin: Yeah, that's why they sent me to the Rebel's side, de gozaru.

Ash: Oro?

Kenshin: Umm, That's my line... de gozaru.

Inuyasha: She's got this bad habit...

Ash: Feh! I do not. No da.

Inuyasha and Chichiri: SEE!

Jess: Ash, behave. We're trying to make a movie here...

Ash: Beam me up, Scotty.

Jess: STOP CROSSING OVER TO STAR TREK! We can't afford to pay them too!

Ash: And what did you call the skat session in our behind the scenes back in a previous chappy? Hmm? Huh?

Jess: Oh, for the love a... I give up. PLACES EVERYONE! LETS GET THIS ON FILM!

**HOTOHORI IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIS SHIP WITH A MULTITUDE OF MAKEUP ARTISTS WHO ARE FLUFFING AND PAINTING AWAY.**

Hotothori: I don't see how you can improve upon perfection... (he waves them all off. Yusagi comes up to stand next him, dressed in tight fitting fighter pilot gear and looking hot. Hotohori hands her a script and winks) I've made a few changes. Follow my lead.

Yusagi: You got it babe. (clears throat and looks at her script then starts) Oh! This battle might be the last for us! We've had so little time together, my love.

Jess and Ash: What the heck! (flipping frantically through their scripts)

Hotohori: (grabs Yusagi and pulls her to his chest, his eyes searching hers soulfully) Don't worry my love! I shall not deny you the pleasure of... ME! (he dips her and plants a 'hot'n'horny' kiss on her that knocks her socks and fighter boots across the room. )

Jess and Ash: Oh...my... X-rated moment!

Gin-the-Emperor: (rushes over after Hotohori has set Yusagi straight on her feet again, and baps the otherfirl on the head, knocking the twitterpaited woman out and dragging her out of the way, then rushes over to stand before the emperor) I'm sorry, but they were out of film... we will have to repeat that scene again. (evil grin)

Hotohori: (unphased) Of course. I wouldn't want to miss a moment of my perfection on film.

Gin-the-Emperor: Eeh...right... Anyhow! (picks up script and rapidly reads her lines) Oh! This battle might be the last for us! We've had so little time together, my love.

Hotohori: (grabs Gin and pulls her to his chest, his eyes searching her's soulfully) Don't worry my love! I shall not deny you the-

Gin-the-Emperor: Yeah, yeah! Lets get on with it! (yanks him down and plants a hot and heavy kiss on his lips)

Yusagi: (awake and rubbing large bump on her head) HEY! THAT IS MY BISHOUNEN!

Gin-the-Emperor: I DON'T THINK SO!

**BOTH THE WOMEN COMMENCE IN A CAT FIGHT, MUCH TO THE PLEASURE OF THE MEN ON SET.**

Ash: (grabs Kyou and pulls him aside) You wanna blow some stuff up? Miles away from Yuki?

Kyou: NOW YOUR TALKIN'!

Ash: Hop in with the emperor then. Your on the guns. (she shoves him up the ladder and tosses the emperor up next)

Hotohori: (indignant) NOBODY tosses the Emperor!

Ash: Funny, a little dwarf guy told me the same thing once... (moves out of the way and gives them the "go for it" signal)

**THE SHIP TAKES OFF IN A BLAST OF FIRE AND SMOKE. THE EXTRAS SCRAMBLE TO GET INTO THEIR PLACES AND HIT THE TRENCHES. THE DIRECTORS ARE HAPPY AND ARE FILMING LIKE MAD WHILE YUSAGI AND GIN ARE STILL BATTLING, OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT THEIR MAN HAS LEFT ALREADY.

* * *

**

NEXT TIME!

BATTLE ON HOTH!

Will this silly thing ever move along? Will we ever make it to the last instalment? Will Hotohori stop primping and fly the ship?

_Kyou: GIVE ME THAT DAMN MIRROR! YOU'RE THE PILOT YOU PSYCHO! START WATCHING WHERE YOUR GOING!_

_Hotohori: Your ugliness offends me. Who does that hideous hair of yours? And have you ever considered colored contacts?_

_Kyou: YUKI! YOU PUT HIM UP TO THIS, DIDN'T YOU! STUPID RAT!_

_Yuki: (In his trench miles away, chuckles to himself) Baka neko.

* * *

_

**Authoress's Note:**

**(EMIKO! We are getting to you, we swear! Got LOTS of good stuff in store. The rest of you, guess what? You are probably going to make it into the next chapter too!)**

**All those who review will receive a Laurel, and Hardy handshake. (Har har!) And an autographed Constellation Wars movie poster! (While supplies last... crap, there went the last one... Oh well! Review anyway, eh? It's good for your complection and will put hair on your chest...)**


	11. Parody Strikes Back Special

**You've seen how the cast and crew spend their spare moments off set. But have you ever wondered how our intrepid Authoresses spend their time?**

Keisuke: Umm, no. Not really.

Inuyasha: Yeah!

Chichiri: Da! (affirmative)

Tasuki: They probably sit around, bitch'n 'bout us and pluckin' nose hairs.

Tamahome: You mean like you do?

Tatsuki: Hey! I don't have to take that shit from a flashlight welding pansy like you! Them's fight'n words, right Kouji?

Kouji: (still in Wookiee costume just finishes yanking another nose hair free and looks up) Grow! (trans: Yeah!)

Yui: Oh- my- THAT IS JUST SICK! THOSE ARE MY TWEEZERS (she races after the blue-haired Wookiee.)

Miaka: Did someone say Twizzlers?

Everyone: TWEEZERS! (Miaka tips over and face plants)

Inuyasha: (indignantly) BAKA!

Tamahome: Hey! That is my woman your talking about!

Inuyasha: Feh! It figures. One meat head dating another.

**THE ONI ON TAMAHOME'S FOREHEAD FLARES AND INUYASHA DARGS OUT TETSUSAIGA. THEY ARE JUST ABOUT TO GET INTO A FULL FLEDGED BRAWL WHEN...**

Chichiri: Is that Ash in a skimpy night gown carrying a bag full of money?

**BOTH BATTLE HUNGRY BISHOUNEN STOP DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS AND LOOK AROUND FRANTICALLY.**

Inuyasha: Ash? Where!

Tamahome: CASH? Where!

Chiriko: (in obvious disgust) Baka's...

**THE CAMERA PANS AWAY FROM OUR ANIME FRIENDS AND MAKES IT'S WAY DOWN A HALL TO A DOOR. KEISUKE OPENS THE DOOR A CRACK AND SHOVES THE CAMERA INSIDE TO GET THE FIRST HAND LOOK AT WHAT JESS AND ASH DO WHEN NOT FILMING AND YELLING AT THE CAST. INSIDE THE ROOM, JESS, ASH AND THEIR TWO PALS, M.E. WRIGHT AND TIEL KAYR (TK) SIT AROUND WITH BAGS OF CHIPS, CHINESE TAKEOUT BOXES, AND HORDES OF CANDY STREWN ABOUT THEM. THEY ARE COVERED WITH HENNA IN DIFFERENT SHAPES AND SIZES, AND ARE STILL PAINTING ON EACH OTHER.**

Ash: (holding her arms up and flapping them wildly to get the henna dye to dry) Kawaii! I put Inuyasha's name all over me! Now if I get lost, they will know who to return me to!

Jess, M.E., and TK: (stare at her) Rriiiggghhhhtt...

Ash: What? It's the same idea as Jess. Why is "property of the monk" any better than "hanyou honey"? (takes hold of Jess's arm and holds it up to show her kanji)

TK: It's fine, sweety. Not as good as "Sesshoumaru's sex slave"...

**ALL THE GIRLS STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND STARE AT TK IN COMPLETE SHOCK**

Ash: Wow. I had no idea she had it in her.

M.E.: I did. I just didn't think she'd tattoo it all over her body.

Jess: (tongue sticking out slightly in concentration as she continues to put more henna tattoos on herself) So... who did you plaster all over your bod, M.E.?

M.E.: Shiichi and Heigi. (dreamy eyed look comes over her face as she gushes out their names)

Everyone: ... Who?...

M.E.: Their from "Detective Connan"

Ash: Ooh! Impressive. (aside to Jess) She's in love with a cop and a barbarian!

TK: Umm... Ash... (about to correct her friend)

Jess: (shakes head) Let it go. It doesn't do any good.

Ash: Let what go?

Jess: (offers the chip bag to Ash to change the subject) Chip?

**ASH GRINS AND GRABS A CHIP, NIBBLING IT CONTENTEDLY.**

M.E. So...

TK: ...a needle pulling thread.

Ash: NOOOOOOO! (runs and buries her head in a pile of pillows, shaking and sobbing)

**TK AND M.E. STARE AT HER AND THEN LOOK TO JESS FOR AN EXPLANATION.**

Jess: (currently filing nails and looking bored as her henna dries) Sound-o'-music-phobic. She has a fear of habits... nunneries... musicals...

M.E.: Wow. That's just... really... Okay, it's lame.

**JESS AND TK NOD AGREEMENT. **

Ash: (dives off the pile of pillows at them all) BOOT TO THE HEAD!

**ALL GIRLS SUDDENLY BREAK INTO FIGHTING STANCE AS THE THEME MUSIC FORM MORTAL KOMBAT FILLS THE ROOM.**

**ALL THE GIRLS IN UNISON SCREAM OUT "MORTAL KOMBAT!"**

**THE CAMERA AND KEISUKE ARE SUDDENLY PLOWED OVER AS THE MEN COME RUNNING TO SEE WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON AND WHY THE GIRLS ARE SCREAMING.**

Inuyasha: Who's dyin'? Who stepped on the cat? I hear yowlin' in here!

Chichiri: No, it was a band of screeching eels, no da!

Tamahome: No, NO! You both got it all wrong! It was more like the sound of a coin being scraped along a glass window by a seven foot-

Tatsuki: Yer all flamin' idiots! That was the sound of a thousand-

Kouji: Mrr graw.

Tatsuki: - oh, right. Thanks buddy. TEN thousand women on PMS ready to claw the skin from the bones of every man in this area!

**ALL THE MEN STARE IN HORROR AT HIM THEN BACK AT THE GIRLS WHO ARE STANDING IN THEIR BATTLE STANCES STILL LISTENING TO THE CONVERSATION.**

Inuyasha: erm... we just remembered... there was a... thing...

Chichiri: Yeah, no da. A big... thing. Yeah.

Tamahome: ...needs our attention... we'll just be going now...

**ALL THE MEN RUN BACK OUT THE DOOR AND LEAVE KEISUKI STILL ON THE FLOOR AND IN PAIN.**

M.E.: (sets foot back on floor) What wooses!

TK: What in the world was that all about anyway?

Jess: And that crack about PMS?

Ash: That was exciting! Can I go attack Inuyasha now?

**SESSHOUMARU WALKS INTO THE ROOM, A RATHER STOIC AND BORED LOOK ON HIS HANDSOME FACE.**

Sesshoumaru: I was told you needed me.

TK: (eyes going starry and mouth drooling) Sesshi my LOVE! (singing in operatic tone)

Sesshoumaru: (one elegant brow arching up) You wanted me for that?

Jess: (curious tone in voice) Who said we wanted you?

Sesshoumaru: (scowls a bit) My moronic half wit of a brother and those other bakas.

Girls: ( in unison) Ahhh... Makes sense.

Sesshoumaru: (bored stiffer than usual) Glad it makes sense to someone.

TK: (fluffs hair and pulls on a seductive look) Well, there is this closet you see...

Sesshoumaru: (brow arches again and mouth twitches slightly with a grin) So I've heard. Jess was kind enough to show it too me in an earlier parody.

Jess: (grins widely) Ahh! Good times... Good times...

Ash: Wait till the monk hears about that. He's gonna 'no da' the fluff right off Sesshi's bouffant tail.

M.E.: Erm... maybe we shouldn't tell him then, ne?

Jess: (glaring daggers at Ash) Good idea! No need to bring THAT up!

Ash: (oblivious to the death glare) Yeah, your probably right. ItWAS another parody... another time in your life... another... (blank stare comes on face) what were we talking about?

Sesshoumaru: (staring intently at TK) Closets.

TK: (suddenly rather nervous under such an intense stare) He he he he he...

Sesshoumaru: It is a walk in I hope. I require a bit of... room.

TK: EEP!

Ash: (clueless) Why do you need more room?

Sesshoumaru: (mouth twitching with suppressed humor) Come along and find out. I'm sure my brother wouldn't pop too many veins over it.

Ash: Umm, okay.

TK, M.E., and Jess: NOOO! Ash! You are NOT going in the walk in with Sesshi!

Ash: (pouting and whining) Why not? I never get any fun!

TK: (suddenly afraid of the glint of lust in Sesshoumaru's eyes) Tell you what, we can trade for a day. You can go with Sesshi, and I'll occupy Inuyasha for a bit.

Ash: Okay! (suddenly stops) Wait...

TK: (shoving Ash and Sesshoumaru towards the door) Too late! Deal's struck! Have fun in the walk in!

Ash: But! But! But!

Sesshoumaru: Come along. You can start organizing the shoes first and work your way up.

Ash: (blank stare) You just want me to organize the closet space?

Sesshoumaru: Of course. What did you think I meant to do?

Jess: (scratching head and looking perplexed) Funny, when I went in with him, we didn't do any organizing...

TK: Wait, wait, wait! If all your wanting is some shoes shuffled, I'm your woman! (grabs Ash and shoves her back into the room, then hooks her arm in Sesshoumaru's) Lead on, my love! I'll whip it into shape in no time at all.

Sesshoumaru: (evil grin on face) Whips? If you insist, I suppose we could get to that too.

TK: (gives a slight laugh and looks nervous again) Next you'll be bringing out the fur covered hand cuffs.

Sesshoumaru: (gives her a dark and sultry gaze as he strokes the fur on his shoulder) That's what the boa is for.

TK: (freaks) ASH!

Ash: No you don't! I'm not fallin' for that one again! You clean the closet yourself! (stomps out of the room) I'm gonna go and find Inuyasha. When we get in the closet, we... (stops short and thinks better.) Well, we don't clean, that's for sure!

Sesshoumaru: (picks TK up in his arms and carrys her off towards the closet.) Let me help you. It looks as if you have weak knees... and ankles... and a few other things...

TK: (passes out cold in his arms from nerves) gah...

M.E.: (deep sigh) Where's a hunky detective when you need one?

Jess: (grinning) A little hot under the collar are we?

M.E.: (blushing) Oh, just a tad bit.

Shiichi: (coming into the room and looking down at Keisuki) Ahh. This man has clearly been trampled by a wild band of roving trouble makers. (bends down and pokes at Keisuki, sniffs the air and looks a the ceiling for a moment) He also had a bowl of cornflakes for breakfast as well as rice and obento. His left big toe is shorter than the right, and last week, he took the porno movie he rented, back four hours late to avoid his mother seeing it.

Keisuki: (head popping up and horror on his face) HEY! Keep that information to yourself! And how did you know that anyway?

M.E.: (a deep sigh and look of total adoration on her face) He's a detective!

Shiichi: True. That I am. But I was also in the video store when you came in panting like mad and used that lame excuse with the cashier to get out of paying the late fee.

**EVERYONE FACE PLANTS.**

Shiichi: (walks over to M.E.) And how may I assist you? I heard you were in need of a detective.

M.E.: (blushing a bit) Well you see, there's this closet...

Jess: (slaps forehead and groans) OH, NOT AGAIN!

M.E.: (gives Jess a death glare) ...AND, there has been a bit of...strange happenings inside... yes, that's it! Strange happenings.

Jess: (drily) Not so strange if you know what your doing.

M.E.: HUSH!

Shiichi: (looking slightly wary) Okay. So you have a strange closet. (deep sigh over something he considers to be so silly) Well, I don't normally take such paltry cases, but I suppose I could-

M.E.: (grabs his hand and makes for the door) GREAT! Lets go check it out together.

Jess: Oh, like THAT wasn't a set up!

Shiichi: (suddenly very red faced and getting a bit suspicious) Umm... I work alone...

M.E.: Oh, you do not, silly! Now come with me.

**M.E. AND SHIICHI MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE 'CLOSET O' LOVE' AND M.E. THROWS THE DOOR OPEN REVELING SESSHOUMARU AND TK WHO LOOK UP AND BLINK A THEM AT THE SUDDEN LIGHT. AT THEIR FEET ARE A HOST OF SLIPPERS THAT TK HAS BEEN ARRANGING BY COLOR.**

M.E.: Wow! He wasn't joking. You really ARE arranging the shoes.

Sesshoumaru: (arms folded over chest and a slightly annoyed look on his face) Actually, she took one look at the closet when we got here and she declared it was unfit to mac in until it was completely arranged, color coded, and filed.

Jess: (sweatdrops somehwere off camera) Did Sesshoumaru just say 'mac'?

TK: Organization is the key!

Sesshoumaru: I know I'm considered heartless and cold, but I think she beats me out on this one.

TK: (lower lips starts to quiver) You try and make it nice and romantic...

Sesshoumaru: (rolls eyes) You call a closet romantic? (shakes head) Humans...

Jess: (comes in sporting a set of youkai markings on her cheeks and wrists. Her eyes are now a warm golden color and her hair is about six feet longer than usual) You wanna rethink that last statement? We are Authoresses! Not humans! We are as far above humans as you are above hanyous!

Inuyasha: (somewhere in the distance) I HEARD THAT! SIDING WITH THAT JERK IS UNFORGIVABLE!

Ash: (sounding dazed and confused as usual) Wait... I'm not human!

Sesshoumaru: (wicked grin at Jess) I've always thought of you as youkai, my dear.

Jess: (sexy smile) It was the trick with the tail, wasn't it?

**EVERYONE STARES AT THE TWO IN SHOCK AND WONDER (EXCEPT FOR TK WHO IS LOOKING MORE MURDEROUS THAN ANYTHING...) WILD IMAGININGS FILL THEIR MINDS AND SOON THE WHOLE GROUP IS BLUSHING, SAVE FOR SESSHOUMARU AND JESS WHO ARE SHARING A RATHER KNOWING LOOK.**

TK: That tears it! (grabs Sesshoumaru and yanks him into the closet) Get in here! I'll show you a trick or two that will knock that sadistically bored grin off your face! (slams door)

**MEANWHILE, M.E. HASN'T NOTICED THAT HER DETECTIVE IS SLOWLY BACKING HIS WAY TOWARDS THE DOOR TO MAKE A HASTY RETREAT, HAVING FINALLY REALIZED JUST WHAT ODDITY IN THE CLOSET HE WAS BEING ASKED TO INVESTIGATE.**

M.E.: (noticing and making a grab for him) Wait! Where are you going?

Shiichi: (sweatdropping a rain shower) I do believe this is a cut and dry case. No need for my services here. I'll just be going now! (tries to make his escape and inadvertently drags M.E. with him out the door)

M.E: (determined to get some mac time) Alright, but before you go... ( yanks him back and dip kisses him passionately. After about a minute and a half of heavy kissing, she releases him and attempts to step back)

Shiichi: HOLD UP! This merits looking into a bit deeper.

M.E.: (giddy) Really!

**SHIICHI GRABS HER AND YANKS HER OUT THE DOOR TO FIND A CLOSET OF THEIR OWN.**

Jess: (has returned to her normal state and shrugs) That'll work.

Chichiri: (coming up from behind and wrapping his arms around Jess) Nice job, no da.

Jess: (confused look) Wha'd I do?

Chichiri: Got them all hot and bothered with that made up story with the demon lord, no da.

Jess: (going about seven shades of red and laughing nervously) Heh... made up... Yeah! Well planned, ne?

Chichiri: (knows the truth, but likes to make his woman squirm a bit) Hai, na no da! No how about you show me that 'tail' trick?

**CHICHIRI SPORTS A FAKE TAIL ON THE BACK OF HIS PANTS AND GIVES JESS A WIDE GRIN.**

Jess: (wrapping her arms around his neck) My closet or yours?

**Fin

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Authoress's Note:

Feel free not to review this chapter. It was odd, and inspired by too much sugar and henna fumes. If it left you with a kind of 'huh' look on your face and the feeling that you've lost a few too many brain cells, we understand. We ended up in much the same condition. (grin)


End file.
